1 Corinthians 3:16,17; Acts 17:24

Amanda and Terry's surgery went very well. Praise God.

And two days later I received a phone call from an elder wanting to talk to me about some "things" they have heard about me. Nice timing guys. I asked what they were and he wouldn't tell me. Wanna know why he wouldn't tell me? Because he wanted to tell me in front of another elder. That way, there will be two witnesses to hear me answer them. Do I get to bring a witness with me? No way. Of course Jesus is my witness. I'm deciding what to do. If I go, they may be abusive toward me, like they were with Tony. If they are, that will not only bring more judgment upon themselves than they already have with Tony, but it will also make me bitter toward them. I don't want that. Plus, they have no authority over me as they are mere humans. They think they have authority, but they are not police and have not been given authority.

How did they find out about whatever it is? Well, we in this hall have what we like to call spies (please read Galations 2:4). They are elders and ministerial servants that look people up on the internet and call peoples friends and families to try to get "the goods" on their fellow brothers. Biblically, of course, they should not do this. But since they don't follow the bible, this really doesn't matter. One of these spies, or maybe (doubtfully) a nice person who just wanted to warn my sister, sent my brother-in-law an anonymous email showing him a website that has a profile of our meeting at our home. Mind you, this is a worship meeting where we praise God and Jesus, nothing against the bible. I guess we aren't allowed to worship Jesus unless we're at the kingdom hall. Apparently, the Witnesses all need to be disfellowshipped (spell check on this word comes up with no suggestions, as if to say that there is no such word, go figure) because their whole goal is to have home bible studies. So this anonymous person sent the email. Also keep in mind that according to the Jehovah's Witnesses rules, you should not be spreading around information about people that should only be told to the elders. Again, another rule they don't follow very well. Hence the reason the person sent it anonymously, because they knew that they could get in trouble for sending that, since it should've been only told to elders. So basically, whoever sent it is doing something wrong by telling other people about what they think I am doing wrong. Good one. This is your religion people. Where a person who doesn't agree with teachings gets kicked out, but the pedophile stays in because there was only one witness to the molestation. Makes sense. I'm sure the children feel very loved and safe in their "spiritual paradise".

As it turns out, I suppose that the same person who sent them this email, also told the elders, as this elder contacted me on the same night my sister called to ask me about this. So I'm sure they know, which I don't mind. I just don't like sneaky people, who spy in the name of God. Shame on you. The elders want to meet with me. Now, I have given this deep consideration in the past. There were two reasons why I didn't want to DA myself. One, I wasn't completely sure it was the right thing to do. I didn't know if maybe Jehovah wanted me to stay for a certain reason. Two, I didn't want to hurt my family. Though, number two was on my mind more. They will not be allowed to talk to me anymore. I really do understand why even if it doesn't make sense. I know that they have been taught that the Governing Body is always right (unless they change their mind or get "new light") so whatever the GB says, they do. If the GB were to say tomorrow that they were allowed to talk to disfellowshipped people, all of a sudden the "guilt" about talking to df'd ones would magically disappear. Their conscience would change. So I don't have much respect for people that can change at the drop of a word from the GB. The bible is the bible. If they read it, they would be able to discern it without having to wait for men to change things. They say to read the bible, meditate, pray about what you read so you can understand, unless it differs from what we say, then you get df'd. So I finally read the bible, and it didn't say what the witnesses taught, many times. To the extent that I can't be there. I'm sorry that it upsets anyone. But I can't lie.

So I'm still deciding how to handle this. So either I'll figure it out, or the elders will disassociate me without my knowledge.

Also, I am angry with Tony's parents. I find it so hypocritical, and according to their teachings, disgusting, that they will talk with Tony's brother, a fornicator( I love him and don't feel negatively toward him, but I'm trying to make a point) they will go out to eat with him and his girlfriend and her kids, with his parents even pretending that the two are married by calling his girlfriend "your wife", and they also call her kids HIS kids, which they aren't yet. And they will not do that with us, even though Tony is not sinning but is outwardly loving Jehovah. It almost as if they are saying that "We'd be happier if you were cheating on your wife so long as you aren't worshipping God outside of our religion. That's unforgivable". What is wrong with this picture.

I need to say this. Even if the elders had been the most loving elders, and had stuck up for me with all their might, I would still feel, spiritually, the same way I do now. It's not the lack of love that has lead me here. It is the love of God that has. It is my desire to lean on Jehovah, to look to Jesus for answers, instead of men. Yes, men can help us and encourage us. But they can also make mistakes and should not be relied upon for answers. John 6:63-69.

Jesus is who I follow. He got kicked out of the Jewish religion (God's people). He had teachings that they didn't believe and they thought he was a liar because Jesus taught against their precious leaders that they held in high esteem. If the religious leaders today want to kick me out for being a lover of truth, they can go ahead. I'll give up all my comforts just for one speck of undeserved kindness from my Father. It is worth it. I will follow Jesus to the death.

I love my family and will miss them greatly and hate that it has to be this way. I don't want them to hurt. I don't want to give up my parents, my sisters, their husbands. My nephews and soon, my new nieces/nephews that one of my sisters is having next year. They are twins and will probably be born premature because they are in the same sac and it very dangerous. I pray for her and them and that they will be kept safe throughout the pregnancy and that she will carry them full term without harm. I believe in miracles. I have faith but my faith isn't enough sometimes if they don't have faith. But I will continue to pray. I will love them all regardless. Mina will still get to be with them on occasion. I want her to know them. But I know that when she gets older they will disown her too unless they think she feels like them, even though she isn't baptized and isn't technically a witness. That will be harder for me than this because it's my child. It will hurt her and she may not be able to understand. God forgive them.

So, to the spies I say: you are cowards and just groveling to men. God knows who you are, even if you think you're anonymous. So who are you trying to please?

To my family and friends: I forgive you. I know that you feel like it's right and that you think you have to do this. I understand. I will miss you. Know that I have not closed the door on you. If you need help, let me know. We can call it business if that makes you feel better. I still love Jehovah and Jesus, more that I ever have. I plan to always do God's will. I love you and I hope we'll see one another in God's glorious kingdom.