living in darkness

I am an evildoer. I had a dream a short while ago. I was reading the bible and I couldn't read it right. It was Acts. I kept turning the bible around thinking that it was upside down. But I could never see it right. It said Acts up at the top corner, in kind of big letters. Even though I couldn't read it, I knew it was Acts 13:11 and/or Acts 11:13 that I was supposed to be reading. Maybe I couldn't tell which because it kept being upside down. The funny thing is, when I look up both of those scriptures, they are on the same page, well the same two pages. So the dream was pretty accurate. Also, obviously, me not being able to see the bible and having to keep turning it around, is also pretty accurate. I am at a point right now where I am not understanding anything. I feel like I don't have God's spirit. Not really anyway. So I looked up Acts 13:11. It says: "Now the hand of the Lord is against you. You are going to be blind, and for a time you will be unable to see the light of the sun." I suggest that you read the previous verses. Acts 11:13 says: "He told us how he had seen an angel appear in his house and say, 'Send to Joppa for Simon who is called Peter". I feel like, in my dream, Acts 13:11 was the prominent scripture. So I looked it up first. I'm not going to say that the other one isn't significant, but I don't see where it fits yet. But the first one fits, because I certainly do feel blind. Like Jehovah isn't letting me see, because of something I'm doing or not doing. So I have prayed about it many times and I am very sad and depressed because I'm not sure about many things.

Tonight I was reading 1 John. In chapter 2, verses 9-11 it says: 9Anyone who claims to be in the light but hates his brother is still in the darkness. 10Whoever loves his brother lives in the light, and there is nothing in him to make him stumble. 11But whoever hates his brother is in the darkness and walks around in the darkness; he does not know where he is going, because the darkness has blinded him.

Now, I wasn't reading this to look for something to match my dream. I just wanted to read the bible and decided 1 John looked good and upbuilding tonight. When I read it, I immediately felt guilt and I cried. I have hatred for my brother. By brother I mean those who believe in Jesus. I have love too, but the hate is there and is more prominent. In my two previous posts, I have written about a certain brother who has given us trouble. He has indeed lied to me and will not let me get to the bottom of it. Although he knows that it is upsetting me, and he is the presiding overseer of our congregation, he has done nothing to help me. He hasn't spoken to me and I can confidently say that he is avoiding me. This is biblically wrong, especially considering his position. I am not happy about this. I have said that when the elders come talk to me that I will not talk until this is resolved. I have thought it out in my head of how I will handle it when they try to talk with me. I would have righteous indignation. I would raise my voice and tell them that he is wrong and I will have no dealings with any of them because I can't trust him. I would be stubborn and prideful. I would show them.

But, when I read this scripture in 1 John, it hit me that I hate my brother. Maybe not in a mean way, because I do want him to tell the truth and apologize to me. I do want him to have a relationship with Jehovah that isn't hindered. I do love him. But the hatred is there. And it's in the way of the love. It's holding me back and making me blind. I said in an earlier post that I need to have mercy. I am not merciful. I am holding a grudge. And it is making me blind. Jehovah isn't letting me come to him unhindered. This hatred is in my way of a pure relationship with Jehovah. I am saying that about my presiding overseer, and it completely applies to my relationship with Jehovah. I am a hypocrite. Well, I was. Now I see. At least in this one area I am not blind. I need to let this go. Either by talking to this guy about it or by forgetting about it.

Acts 13:11 says the lord's hand will be on you and you will be blind for a time and unable to see the light of the sun. 1 John says whoever hates his brother is in the darkness. He does not know where he is going because the darkness has blinded him.

I am blind. I don't have a clue what to do with my spiritual life. Jehovah isn't letting me see, because of my own evil hatred. Maybe this is why. Maybe this is what is blinding me. My hatred is making me walk in darkness. No wonder I feel so lost.

I have to fix this. I have to push out my evil thoughts. This isn't to say it erases anything. If they do speak with me, I probably will bring it up because it needs to be addressed. He needs to know that this is wrong and he needs to ask for forgiveness from Jehovah and me. But it will not be what decides on whether I talk with them or not. I will just bring it up and put it on the table. I will ask him again and give him the opportunity to tell the truth. Even if the truth isn't what I expected. And he can deny it if he wants to, which will hurt my feelings. I realize that maybe I'm a little off here. Maybe he isn't the one who leaked confidential information. Maybe it was someone else. But he was very secretive and evasive, as if he was hiding something. He knows more than he's saying. So I truly hope the truth will come out and then I will be ok. I don't care if it was him or not. I just want the truth. And he knows what the truth is. But whatever happens, it has to be over. I will feel it out and speak accordingly. I will either say thank you, or I will tell him it is up to him to make things right. And I will ask Jehovah to forgive him anyway. I have to and it has to be real. I can't pretend it's completely out of love, when half of it is out of anger. I need to be honest.

Sometimes you can hear something over and over and never really hear it. But, well a song says it best. It goes: Could read it ten times and never get it. But then the sun shines so bright I'll never forget it.

I don't want to forget this.