I am able to....

You know what feels good? True worship. Talking about what's on your mind without having to worry about getting called into the "back room". Answering to my Father and not to men. Helping people without having to ask elders first. Singing Amazing Grace and other praises that may or may not have ever been sang in a church. Asking questions and not getting a flustered "answer" or a "well the Watchtower says" answer. Talking to other people about God, Jesus, their kingdom and other such things along with my husband, openly telling others how we feel, whether we agree completely with each other (my husband and I) or not, and not having to hold back anything for fear of being labeled as an apostate. Being able to ask that my prayers be answered through Jesus, as in "Please let this be done through Jesus", as in "all authority has been given to Jesus" including actively answering prayers, kind of. Being able to tell people when they ask "What faith/religion/denomination are you?" that I am a christian, a follower of Jesus Christ(ian), and leaving religion out of it. Putting Jesus in the position that he rightfully belongs in because he died for us, and not being afraid to talk about him like the King he is. Being in unity with Jesus and partaking of his pain and glory because I am God's child (Galatians 3:26 and Ephesians 4:1-6). Always thinking about and trying (many times failing) to live as if Jesus is in my body and I am just a shell he's using to show people who he is thus leading them to God. Seeing my daughter grow in understanding, hearing her tell me about personal choices she makes because of her own conscience toward God, helping her without instilling fear of death(at armageddon) in her if she doesn't do what I think is right. Having a husband who has changed so much (an answered prayer, praise Jah) in the past two years and being so happy to let him take the lead, all the while not feeling at all less than him. Being a part of the headship arrangement and happy to be a woman, at the same time being able to pray and prophesy openly, in front of men if I choose to and knowing that my speaking and prayers are acceptable to God all the more so because I am submissive to His kingdom arrangement (1 Corinthians 11:1-16). Learning and (sometimes) unlearning truths and "truths". Being submissive enough and faithful enough to look into doctrines to find out if they are correct or not and not fearing that I might start believing something contrary to what I have always believed, but instead trusting in God that he will show me the truth (Jesus), and that that (Jesus) is the only real "doctrine" we need. Praise Jah.

You know what feels bad? Not being in complete unity, or as complete as you can get in this wicked world, with Jesus. Failing sometimes at letting Jesus live through me. Not taking enough time to pray and meditate. Letting anger, pride, fear, embarrassment, shyness and laziness get in the way. Being in my religion still, however inactive. Not knowing what Jehovah wants from me. Breaking my family's heart. Not being free from this organization/corporation/business of a religion (is there any other type of religon?). Feeling like Jehovah wants me to make a decison even though I don't feel confident either way, and me thinking what if I make the wrong decision. ( What if I leave for selfish reasons because I don't like the organization or because I don't like service or meetings or elders or certain people or because I feel uncomfortable without Tony there with me. What if I stay because I want to keep my family or because I want to stay in touch with a certain few people or because I worry that I'm going to leave and then find out later that I jumped the gun and chose to leave and maybe Jehovah wanted me to stay to do something, but he isn't telling me what to do either way, so I don't know and choose to leave because I hate the religion and then end up being wrong and then Jehovah is let down and my family had to suffer for no reason*?) Not feeling any direction because I'm stuck and until a decision is made by me I will continue to be without direction. Not feeling that 'holy spirit high' (so full of holy spirit you could just explode and it would pour out of you forever) that I felt for a few months last year from March to July. Not knowing why I was allowed a taste of it then, when I was less spiritual, but now that I am doing more for God I don't have it. Feeling that I may have turned down an invitation or calling last year that resulted in the lack of holy spirit, and not knowing what to do to make it right with my Father and with Jesus.

My good list is longer that my bad list. I'm thankful for that.





*Though I feel that this will not be the case because I'm pretty sure that I shouldn't be in the religion so I sincerely doubt that if I leave that it would be a mistake. I think it is probably the right thing to do, to leave, and that if I do, that I will not be told by God to go back. And if He did tell me to go back, it wouldn't be because it's the only true religion, but because He needed me to do something there.