1 Corinthians 3:16,17; Acts 17:24

Amanda and Terry's surgery went very well. Praise God.

And two days later I received a phone call from an elder wanting to talk to me about some "things" they have heard about me. Nice timing guys. I asked what they were and he wouldn't tell me. Wanna know why he wouldn't tell me? Because he wanted to tell me in front of another elder. That way, there will be two witnesses to hear me answer them. Do I get to bring a witness with me? No way. Of course Jesus is my witness. I'm deciding what to do. If I go, they may be abusive toward me, like they were with Tony. If they are, that will not only bring more judgment upon themselves than they already have with Tony, but it will also make me bitter toward them. I don't want that. Plus, they have no authority over me as they are mere humans. They think they have authority, but they are not police and have not been given authority.

How did they find out about whatever it is? Well, we in this hall have what we like to call spies (please read Galations 2:4). They are elders and ministerial servants that look people up on the internet and call peoples friends and families to try to get "the goods" on their fellow brothers. Biblically, of course, they should not do this. But since they don't follow the bible, this really doesn't matter. One of these spies, or maybe (doubtfully) a nice person who just wanted to warn my sister, sent my brother-in-law an anonymous email showing him a website that has a profile of our meeting at our home. Mind you, this is a worship meeting where we praise God and Jesus, nothing against the bible. I guess we aren't allowed to worship Jesus unless we're at the kingdom hall. Apparently, the Witnesses all need to be disfellowshipped (spell check on this word comes up with no suggestions, as if to say that there is no such word, go figure) because their whole goal is to have home bible studies. So this anonymous person sent the email. Also keep in mind that according to the Jehovah's Witnesses rules, you should not be spreading around information about people that should only be told to the elders. Again, another rule they don't follow very well. Hence the reason the person sent it anonymously, because they knew that they could get in trouble for sending that, since it should've been only told to elders. So basically, whoever sent it is doing something wrong by telling other people about what they think I am doing wrong. Good one. This is your religion people. Where a person who doesn't agree with teachings gets kicked out, but the pedophile stays in because there was only one witness to the molestation. Makes sense. I'm sure the children feel very loved and safe in their "spiritual paradise".

As it turns out, I suppose that the same person who sent them this email, also told the elders, as this elder contacted me on the same night my sister called to ask me about this. So I'm sure they know, which I don't mind. I just don't like sneaky people, who spy in the name of God. Shame on you. The elders want to meet with me. Now, I have given this deep consideration in the past. There were two reasons why I didn't want to DA myself. One, I wasn't completely sure it was the right thing to do. I didn't know if maybe Jehovah wanted me to stay for a certain reason. Two, I didn't want to hurt my family. Though, number two was on my mind more. They will not be allowed to talk to me anymore. I really do understand why even if it doesn't make sense. I know that they have been taught that the Governing Body is always right (unless they change their mind or get "new light") so whatever the GB says, they do. If the GB were to say tomorrow that they were allowed to talk to disfellowshipped people, all of a sudden the "guilt" about talking to df'd ones would magically disappear. Their conscience would change. So I don't have much respect for people that can change at the drop of a word from the GB. The bible is the bible. If they read it, they would be able to discern it without having to wait for men to change things. They say to read the bible, meditate, pray about what you read so you can understand, unless it differs from what we say, then you get df'd. So I finally read the bible, and it didn't say what the witnesses taught, many times. To the extent that I can't be there. I'm sorry that it upsets anyone. But I can't lie.

So I'm still deciding how to handle this. So either I'll figure it out, or the elders will disassociate me without my knowledge.

Also, I am angry with Tony's parents. I find it so hypocritical, and according to their teachings, disgusting, that they will talk with Tony's brother, a fornicator( I love him and don't feel negatively toward him, but I'm trying to make a point) they will go out to eat with him and his girlfriend and her kids, with his parents even pretending that the two are married by calling his girlfriend "your wife", and they also call her kids HIS kids, which they aren't yet. And they will not do that with us, even though Tony is not sinning but is outwardly loving Jehovah. It almost as if they are saying that "We'd be happier if you were cheating on your wife so long as you aren't worshipping God outside of our religion. That's unforgivable". What is wrong with this picture.

I need to say this. Even if the elders had been the most loving elders, and had stuck up for me with all their might, I would still feel, spiritually, the same way I do now. It's not the lack of love that has lead me here. It is the love of God that has. It is my desire to lean on Jehovah, to look to Jesus for answers, instead of men. Yes, men can help us and encourage us. But they can also make mistakes and should not be relied upon for answers. John 6:63-69.

Jesus is who I follow. He got kicked out of the Jewish religion (God's people). He had teachings that they didn't believe and they thought he was a liar because Jesus taught against their precious leaders that they held in high esteem. If the religious leaders today want to kick me out for being a lover of truth, they can go ahead. I'll give up all my comforts just for one speck of undeserved kindness from my Father. It is worth it. I will follow Jesus to the death.

I love my family and will miss them greatly and hate that it has to be this way. I don't want them to hurt. I don't want to give up my parents, my sisters, their husbands. My nephews and soon, my new nieces/nephews that one of my sisters is having next year. They are twins and will probably be born premature because they are in the same sac and it very dangerous. I pray for her and them and that they will be kept safe throughout the pregnancy and that she will carry them full term without harm. I believe in miracles. I have faith but my faith isn't enough sometimes if they don't have faith. But I will continue to pray. I will love them all regardless. Mina will still get to be with them on occasion. I want her to know them. But I know that when she gets older they will disown her too unless they think she feels like them, even though she isn't baptized and isn't technically a witness. That will be harder for me than this because it's my child. It will hurt her and she may not be able to understand. God forgive them.

So, to the spies I say: you are cowards and just groveling to men. God knows who you are, even if you think you're anonymous. So who are you trying to please?

To my family and friends: I forgive you. I know that you feel like it's right and that you think you have to do this. I understand. I will miss you. Know that I have not closed the door on you. If you need help, let me know. We can call it business if that makes you feel better. I still love Jehovah and Jesus, more that I ever have. I plan to always do God's will. I love you and I hope we'll see one another in God's glorious kingdom.

opportunities

We had our meeting last night. We ate chicken and chorizo burritos with black beans and guacamole. We sang some songs with guitar djembe, and shaker. And we talked about how different things in the book of Revelation match up. And we read a lot about being sons of God. And how believing in Jesus isn't enough to have life, or be "saved". We covered a lot in such a short time. Mina shared picture of the bread and wine. We read some scriptures about it too.

Last Friday we got a letter from Marisol, our Compassion child. She wrote in Spanish, I think, and in was translated (poorly) by the Compassion team. She also drew a picture of a house and what might be a vegetable garden. We're drafting a letter to send her soon.

Amanda is donating her kidney to her dad, my father-in-law, next Wednesday. I'm going to take off work that day so I can be there, even if I can't see either of them. Amanda asked Tony to be there. I think it's helpful, spiritually. It's so soon. I'm not worried but it makes me anxious. I'm more concerned for her than for my father-in-law. I think because not only has she been a friend for years, but having her over and growing spiritually with her, it makes me feel closer to her and care for her in a different (deeper) way.

We have also been in contact with some witnesses that feel similar to things as we do, not entirely. I will not name them or hint about them, because if anyone from my kingdom hall is spying, which they do(which by the way is unchristian) I will not help them. We hope to be able to be an encouragement to these ones, and they can encourage us as well.

One thing I'd like to know is, if an elder were reading my blog, why won't they disfellowship me? That's all.

Did I ever mention that Tony wrote a song? It is nice. It's called You Don't See (The Ugliness In Me).

I might go to my grandma's Saturday evening, depending on how they feel after driving two hours to see my uncle in prison. My aunt and uncle from Ohio are going with her. Sometime after this weekend Tony might go out of state to see a guy who recently got disfellowshipped just for the U.N. thing and he's feeling really lonely after going back to the hall and being shunned (how loving). And we're trying to get together with the "witnesses" we've talked with. We also are trying to help Greg's group maybe on the 28th to make food and take it to shelters. And help a lady near us who needs her windows fixed with weather stripping. Very full of possibilities. What blessings to be able to help people. This is way better than going door to door with magazines. We can actually help people now and maybe lead them to Jesus. What a true privilege.

a first, or maybe not?

Tonight we had another dinner and worship. Amanda made white chili and brought tortilla chips. Mmmm. It was really filling. Mina was a beast most of the night. Delightful. We sang some songs-Take My Hand, Precious Lord, Holy Is The Lord (a song we learned at Greg and Kathryn's house church), and a new song that Tony wrote called You Don't See (The Ugliness In Me). Amanda played the djembe for us. I tried the tambourine and the banana shaker. I get so nervous singing. Which makes me salivate and then I have to find time to swallow spit and to breathe. It is nerve wracking. And that's just in front of Tony. Or even if I think about singing in front of people I get that way.

Tonight we talked about two resurrections, having "life" and sinning against the holy spirit if you have life, and the holy city. We also gave ideas of how to help people like with Project Compassion, who help feed the needy, and Tony knows a lady who has a house nurse and a teenage daughter. He met here while going in service with JW's. He goes to see her every once in a while. Her nurse told Tony that the lady needs her home weather proofed, which he looked into getting it set up through the state for her. It will take 9 months. Until then, since winter is coming, we're thinking of going over to weather strip her windows. Amanda said she is going to plan on helping a friends parents, the dad has cancer pretty bad, and they are spending all of their energy with that. So she wants to help through the week with laundry and stuff. It's important to show people the love of Jesus, even if they're Christians, or not. Without any expectations, just to love.

Tony has been saying how he doesn't want to be the leader of the house church. I think it's important to have a person who will sort of make the first move, just to give it order, but otherwise, for everyone to have an equal share if so moved to. I'd rather a man "take the lead" if he is spiritually moved to, but really only if things were to get out of hand somehow, which I sincerely doubt will happen. So, he has been telling us that he doesn't want to always be the one praying, but I feel uncomfortable praying in front of him because not only is he a brother, but he is also more spiritual than me and he is intelligent. Tonight he said why don't we say a prayer and each of us can give thanks for a couple things and then he'll end the prayer. So we agreed, me hesitantly out of embarrassment. Tony started and ended the prayer but Amanda and I did a small in between thank you. It was different and mostly I worry that I will always pray for the same things each time and be repetitive. I thought this was the first time I ever prayed out loud in front of Tony since it was always "wrong" to do that, so I thought. But I was thinking back to a time when Tony was going through a really rough time about 5 years back and I was so desperate for help that I was going to pray over him out loud. I honestly can't remember if I did or not. I wonder if he remembers. Probably not. He doesn't remember anything. I think I remember thinking, or him telling me, that I have to have a head covering to do that. Then me thinking that it can't be that important for me to go find something in such a moment.

It was a very nice night, despite Mina's attitude. We also watched a house church video and a silly video of small commercial like skits about church and why it's stupid, called "The Church You Know". Pretty funny.

house church intro

We have a house church in our home on Tuesday nights at about 6:30 in Wood River, IL, about 20 minutes northeast of St. Louis. Right now it is my daughter, husband, and sister-in-law. We have a small house but we would love to make this even better by having more people come over who would like to be up built in/with/by/for Jesus. We have dinner, along with passing/partaking (whatever you feel) of the bread and wine, then we move to the living room, just a couple steps away, and have worship. Worship includes singing along with acoustic guitar, shakers, a tambourine, and a djembe drum. After songs we talk about things we have on our minds or maybe that we've been thinking about through the week. We read scriptures and talk about whatever we're moved to say. We ask questions and discuss them although we may not have answers. Then we talk about anyone who may be going through a hard time and pray for them in our concluding prayer. This lasts until 9:00/9:30.


What's nice is that anyone is welcome. My hopes are that all who come will eventually become true Christians, who can truly follow in Jesus' footsteps, in love, in compassion, in righteousness, in forgiveness, in kindness, in truthfulness, in courage, in love for our Father, in persecution, and in death. I am out of religion because of many reasons, but one is that I find religion to be judgmental toward people who are not the ideal christian. My feelings are that if you show them Jesus, they will change for him, or they won't. Jesus befriended, healed, and was actively loving toward sinners, greedy persons, and fornicators. Shouldn't we be?

Everyone can talk, anyone can pray, or give their ideas on scriptures or offer up praise by speaking or singing or showing art or poetry or whatever else moves them. There is no one man that speaks and everyone else just listens. Everyones thoughts are equally needed, appreciated and important.

We are new to singing songs that other Christians have written. We, of course, know Amazing Grace, though it's a different version than the traditional one. My husband and I are probably going to try to write some new songs. We have one so far. And a few other songs. We're hoping to learn one new song a week, whether it's one we make or someone else's. We just bought a djembe and tambourine. Those will be a nice addition to our music time.

So it's really great. We just need some more people to make it a nice, warm family, united under Christ.