sadness/happiness

The weekend started off upsetting like I mention before with Mina and I trying to go see Happy Feet.

Saturday was a day of nothing. I wanted to get the Wii. It was coming out Sunday at 12:01 a.m. Our Walmart is open 24 hours. But stores that open in the morning would not sell until Sunday when they open, like 8:00 a.m. for Target. I went to Walmart (also my tire was low after I just got them rotated and balanced at Walmart that week) to see the line for the Wii. There were about 25-30 people waiting, and only 30 Wii's in stock. I decided that I wouldn't be waiting there. But with a 12 midnight launch of the system, I guess everyone wanted to get theirs early. I went home and called around to others stores, Walmarts, Targets, even Sears to see how many each store had and what size lines they had. Some had 3o, 39, 10 consoles. The lines weren't too big in them. Then I called Target about 35 minutes away. They had 60 consoles and a less than 10 waiting. Of course they opened in the morning. I kept checking there and the line was about 15. When I called back around 9:40 they didn't know for sure and made a guess of 30-50 people. They couldn't guess any better than that. I chose to go there around 4:00 a.m. But after that estimate I decided I might leave earlier. I also talked with another Target a bit closer to me. They didn't know how many they had, so they say, but there were only a few people in line, like no more that 8. I figured they have 30 at least, since other Targets around here did. And it's in a nice area. Then I found a website that listed all the Targets in your area code and how many they each had. After matching up the other numbers to the list, I knew it was legitimate. This Target closer to me had 39. I got excited and left here at about 1:30. I went to Walmart (24 hours) to get a comfy lawn chair, then I drove to the Target close to me before heading out to the one farther, just in case the line was short. It was. Only 3 tents. I guessed there were between 5 to 7 people. In fact there were 8. I stayed there, in my car. I set my PDA to wake me up at 4:00, even though I figured cars would eventually wake me up. Well, I never went to sleep. One guy showed up at maybe 2:50. I stayed in my car a while, then went to QuikTrip to use their restroom before I went to sit in the cold weather. And cold it was. I'm not sure on the temperature but it was pretty cold, but the killer was the wind. It wasn't hard but it was almost constant. I had a thin but warm type of blanket, but I really needed something that the wind couldn't get through. I had a hat, the half gloves Carrie made for Tony, and a head scarf. Of course I had a coat on, but I forgot my neck scarf in my car. ( I drove Tony's car because my low tire that I was going to get fixed at Walmart, but didn't because it was a 3 hour wait, went flat.) I was very cold. My feet were numb and my legs were freezing. I didn't know until I got home how cold my butt was. I couldn't feel that it was cold until I changed my pants. It was ice too. By 5:00 a.m. I was getting so cold that I lightly contemplated for a moment here and there of leaving. It was such a long two hour wait for them to give us tickets at 7:00 a.m. Once it reached near that time, I heard someone say they were giving out tickets at 7:30. Ugh. Everyone began putting there stuff away. So I put mine away too. Finally they came with tickets. They were very nice. I was number 8, because two people in line ahead of me weren't getting their own systems. At 7:50 they let us in and we went to another line by the electronic section. They let the people in one by one to choose they accessories, games, and get their console. I got an extra Wiimote and nunchuck, a card with 2000 Wii points to download games from onto the machine, like Mario 64, I got the game Trauma Center (int's a doctor game Japanese anime style where you can do surgery) and the system. Altogether it was $405.??. I was happy. I have 4 days off starting tomorrow. Plus Christmas break. I just want something to do, plus it's so awesome to have this system before everyone else. So I came home and was so tired after being awake for almost 24 hours, and I also had to go to a funeral for Tony's aunt 2 & 1/2 hours away, then go to Tony's parents house for dinner with all their kid's plus Alex's fiance Dawn and her two kids, Kurt and Destiny. I didn't want to go because of being treated weird, but we decided to go. So I knew I wouldn't be home until 10:00. I knew I would be dead. But I also couldn't sleep for a while before we went. We had to leave by 11:30 to go pick up Amanda. It was about 8:30 already. I'd only get two hours and I was afraid sleeping would just make everything worse. So we hooked the Wii up. It took a while to do that and to set up the system after we turned it on. We made our Wii characters. We bought and downloaded Mario 64 onto our system. Then we played golf Wii Sports. I woke Mina up and she made her character and played some tennis and golf, I think.

Next, we hurriedly got ready for the funeral. We picked up Amanda and headed to Rolla. We went to Walmart to kill a few minutes. It seems like the only place to go in Rolla. We got to the kingdom hall about half an hour early. Tony and I sat down and stayed to ourselves. Ellen Machuga came. Marla and Natalie Shimmer, Bill Washington, and Charles Rancher were there from Edwardsville. We were hoping no one from our old hall would be there, especially elders, but we knew it might happen. And of course Tom and Jill came. They have been good friends with Tony's parents for around 30 years. Also, Terry was staying at their home while he was healing after his surgery. But considering it was Tom who called me, I assume doing Jason's dirty work, about if I still want to be a witness or did I join the religion Tony was in(Tony is NOT in a religion), I really didn't want him to talk to me about that at a funeral. Tony called him after I got the call from Tom. Tony left a message saying that he wanted them to let us be. He didn't want me to go through the abuse he suffered at the elders(supposed shepherds) hands. I don't know if Tom wanted to make sure I felt the same, and not just take Tony's word for it or if he needed my answer even though my head, Tony, told him how things were. Either way, by him asking me, he got the answer they needed to df me, and I'm guessing that they won't even tell me what they're going to do. Whether it will be df or da. I probably won't even know it happened until my family calls me up to let me know. Dirty. They didn't even try to shepherd me. They have failed at the job they took on. I don't mind, but they shouldn't make promises they can't or don't want to keep. They claim to be directed by God. God would love me and help me. In Tom's defense, though I'm not sure how sincere it was, he did tell us that he loves us and I could tell that it pained him. I don't know why. Because Tony is like family to them, because Tony's parents are so close to Tom and he doesn't want to hurt them, because Jason and Jack are forcing him to do something that he knows is scripturally wrong and he is guilty of killing me spiritually according to their beliefs. I would feel guilty too. It's not worth it to be an elder if you can't actually be like Jesus. Instead you are like Pharisees. Following the letter of the law but ignoring the love. I also spoke with Ellen. That was sad. She said Jeannie came to the meeting for the first time in months, longer than me. She told me that I know where I need to be. That she comes to the meetings for strength( I used to until I realized that I can go to Jesus and it's miraculous, meetings aren't unless I am helping others). She told me to come back, and said okay after it, like should answer yes. But I couldn't and I felt bad, not guilty, but bad because I wanted to tell her that I go to Jesus, but she wouldn't understand because they don't know Jesus. And neither do I but I know him enough to know that I should go to him to get to the Father. So I told her that I can't promise her that I'll come back. She looked puzzled, lost. I said I can't tell her I'll do something that I don't know I'll do, because it would be like lying if I didn't do it. Witnesses say to come back with the expectation of you answering them that you will, even if it isn't true, just so they'll feel good, and they did their job. They mean it from their hearts, so I appreciate it, but it makes me sad.

Terry called us Saturday about coming to their house after the funeral because since his surgery he has had to wear a mask when he goes in public. The mask get uncomfortable after a while. So he was just going home. He said he was going to invite Alex and his family and of course Amanda. I told him we'd tell him tomorrow what we were going to do because we were planning on going to Greg and Kathryn's house since we never get to anymore now that we meet on Sundays. And I was so tired and we'd get home so late. Amanda talked to them about what we would have for dinner. She said maybe she'd pick up a bucket of chicken. I hate fried chicken. Amanda requested something better, even just pizza. So we did decide to go there in spite of all the strikes against it. Debbie talked to me as we were leaving. She said Terry wanted her to go to the food gathering for the funeral so she could spend time with the family. She said her family is at her home. That made me teary and I half hugged her and said "Thank you Debbie". It really made me feel good, for Tony. He deserves to have his family. Alex and his family got the a while later after getting the kids. They didn't bring them to the funeral. And they picked up a couple desserts. The adults ate in the dining room, the kids in the back room. They had a great time. We had roast, or some kind of chunky roast like meat cooked on the bone, mashed potatoes and gravy, dinner rolls, and vegetables. It was very good, and heartwarming. We had good conversation and the prayer Terry said was very thankful of Jesus, which was so nice. After dinner we had pie. Then it was 6:40 and Terry asked if anyone wanted to play Scrabble. Now I love Scrabble even though I never win, but it was too late to start a game for me with not having sleep for 33 hours and having to drive home at night, while I'm exhausted and having to work in the morning. I didn't want to leave a good thing, but my body was about to shut down. We said our goodbyes and I hugged everyone and said a very heartfelt thank you to Terry and Debbie, even if they didn't know it. Amanda drove from Rolla to her house. We got home around 9:30. I still didn't get to sleep until probably midnight because Mina wasn't as tired as me.

I was so glad that we went because it was really nice. We had a normal enjoyable time with Tony's family. Maybe it will never happen again but I thank God for it. At the funeral they played the music for the song Jehovah Is My Shepherd. No words but it was really beautiful and it made me feel nostalgic for my old congregation. I love those people, all of them, but there are some that I miss quite a lot. And that music, plus it being a good song, made me feel sad. I really want a cd of the Kingdom Melodies. At the convention there was new music for the Kingdom Melodies being played. It was just beautiful music and I think they said that it was new and we could get it from our kingdom halls starting in September. My dad thinks that what they said. I'd really like to get it but I don't know who to ask.

I have all week off and I'm going to Mina's school tomorrow for lunch. She also gets off early since she has Thursday and Friday off for Thanksgiving. Amanda might come over sometime this week. I need to do dishes and then some.

looking in the wrong places; family shunning=love?

Tonight I was feeling blah, as I have been for many days, weeks... I prayed to my Father, or so I hope. After the prayer I opened up my bible somewhat randomly in the New Testament. It was John. So the first chapter on the page was chapter 6. I thought I'd start there. But before I even began to read I decided that I didn't want to read that. I felt like reading up a ways higher. My eyes went to John 5:39. Do you know what it says? "You are searching the Scriptures, because YOU think that by means of them YOU will have everlasting life; and these are the very ones that bear witness about me. 40 And yet YOU do not want to come to me that you may have life." Ugh.

Thursday at Mina's school in P.E. the teacher had the class play dodge ball for the first time. If you know me you'd know that I'm strictly opposed to dodge ball. Schools teach the children to not hit other kids, to be respectful to others, and not to be violent. Tell me, where does dodge ball fit in here? I hate it. I have many times thought of rallying against it in some way. Not really a rally, but a letter or a talk with the principal and superintendent. I guess Mina had told a couple friends that she can't play dodge ball. So her friends told the P.E. teacher that Mina can't play. Her teacher asked Mina if it was because of her glasses(she got glasses last Friday). Mina said no, it's because the game is violent. HAHAHA. Go Mina!!! So the teacher let her sit out. Now I have to talk to the teacher to make sure she won't give Mina a lesser grade because she doesn't play that. I'd hate to have to prove them wrong. No, I wouldn't.

Also, today Mina had a substitute teacher. Mina's 9th birthday was today, and contrary to popular belief just because I don't go to the kingdom hall anymore, doesn't mean we've begun to celebrate birthdays. Well this teacher comes up to Mina and starts asking her bunches of questions about her faith. Like what church does she go to, what religion, who is the priest, and "so you don't celebrate your own birthday?" There were more I think but Mina can't remember them all. I like that it gave Mina a chance to stand up for truth, but I don't like that a teacher is asking a 9 year old "religious" questions, and I have no way of knowing her intentions in doing this. Like I said, she's a sub. Mina answered her, but didn't want to. She said she goes to church at home, and that her dad is the priest, which is weird but that's how it seems to her since he takes the lead. That was awkward. I don't think of Tony as a priest and I don't think he does either.


Mina and I planned to go see Happy Feet tonight. My mom called me and asked if we had plans. I said yes. She said she was thinking of seeing a movie also. I thought maybe she wanted to go with us. So I let her know that Tony wasn't coming, it was just Mina and I. She said that she wanted to do something with Mina but since we were busy that she wouldn't. She hurried off the phone. Well, I got concerned that maybe she wanted to come with us but thought she would be intruding since I told her Mina just wanted to go with me. So I called back. I told her I didn't want there to be any misunderstanding and again that Tony wasn't coming, just in case she wanted to join us. She quickly replied no, she wanted to do something with her and Mina, "just us girls" she said, but since Mina and I had plans, that that was fine, she'd do it another time. Again, she let me go quickly. Now, Mina was getting used to the idea of my mom coming. So when I told her that my mom wouldn't be joining us, we went to go into the theatre, but before we went in, Mina told me she didn't want to see the movie. We walked back to the car. She was sad that my mom wasn't coming. We talked about options, maybe my mom just meeting us there and I would go home. But Mina wanted me to be there too. So, way to go mom. You broke Mina's heart, and for what? For your man-made religion. Jesus would just love it. I'm not even df'd. Where's their "wait on Jehovah" attitude? Remember that one? It went like this: I know the society is wrong in a teaching and I tell my parents. I say that I can't stand this teaching and that I don't think I can stay in the religion. They say to me"Wait on Jehovah, he will reveal it to the "faithful and discreet slave" (a small group of men in Bethel, not including the rest of the anointed). Don't leave, wait on Jehovah". So I do. And now, now I am still officially a witness. They have not df'd me, I have not da'd myself. The supposed "faithful slave" has not chosen to excommunicate me, so why are they jumping ahead? If the "anointed" and the elders don't think I need to be df'd, why are they in such a hurry to shun me, the child they conceived and raised? If they really believe this is the one true religion and it's guided bu God, then they should continue to talk normal to me until the elders decide to kick me out. Way to follow your own advice on waiting on Jehovah.