give us this bread

Mina's faith; Amen!; creation

2007-10-30T23:18:00.000-05:00

A few weeks ago I went through our medicine drawer and threw away all of our medicine. Pills, both over-the-counter and prescription, syrups, headache medicine, even Tony's epi-pen. I threw out Mina's medicines too, except for her allergy pills that her doctor gave us that are really expensive, and her nebulizer that was hard to get and expensive. I didn't feel like my faith could merit me throwing away that important medicine of hers.

Then, a few days ago, she was going through the drawer where we kept it all, and she saw a small paper bag. When she looked in and saw that it was the allergy pills, she picked them up and took them to the trash. A while later, she told me that I forgot to throw them away. How could I argue?! Then a couple days later, she comes to the kitchen with the box that has her nebulizer in it. Cool!

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Our neighbor, Summer (5), was at out house watching a movie with us. She had dinner already, but we just started ours. We got ready to say a prayer and asked if she wanted to say it with us, which really only involved her holding our hands. She said yes and Tony said the prayer. After we said amen, she did too.

An hour passed and her mom came to get her. She told Summer the usual mom thing, "What do you say?" "Thank you", and proceeded to say thank you for letting her watch the movie, thank you for the popcorn, thank you for the hot chocolate, and then, after she concluded all of her 'thank you's', she said "Amen!"

We laughed while her mom was just like "What?!" I guess she was thinking what a strange child she has. I wonder if there was a conversation later about that at their house.

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Mina came home with science homework. We knew it would come, and it did. Evolution. Now, realize, I'm ok with them teaching evolution, but they should at least teach both evolution and creation. Not teach evolution as a definate. Especially when, most likely, a good 80% or more of the people in the school believe in God. The God of the bible.

So here is the question she had:

Explain some possible causes of the extinction of the dinosaurs?

She was irritated by this question because she knew it was all about evolution and didn't even give the possibility of creation. And she wasn't alone. A boy in her class said "What about the flood?"

Here was her answer that she wrote down:

"Other than the real reason, the flood, some possible causes of the extinction of the dinosaurs are...."

I'm not even going to mention the "possible reasons" because they don't deserve the space. What matters is that she believes in the flood. She believes in God. And no amount of brainwashing from these "science" books and the teacher is going to matter to her at this point. She decided to tell the truth in spite of what the book said. I think that's amazing. And if her teacher gives her trouble, she can take it up with...God.

Thank You God for helping Mina to be bold.

response to my friend's post

2007-10-10T15:20:00.000-05:00

Here is my friend's post Faith in Love.

I wanted to respond on her blog but I think I have too much to say, so I'll do a response post.

Dear dovecliff,

Faith and love are my favorite spiritual topics. I agree with you so much that I had to write about it myself.

I John 4:7,8 says the one who doesn't love, has not known God.---We say we do love. We think loving our family is enough, or loving a few friends is enough. But it isn't. 1 John 4:11-13 shows that we should love one another, our brothers. And then, going further, like you showed in Matt 5:43-48, we also have to love our enemies, who may or may not be our brothers.

How do we love our brothers and our enemies? I think we have concern for them. It may seen cliche but what would Jesus do? Would he be mean to them? Maybe insult them? Maybe belittle them? Maybe he'd show them how smart he is to prove how stupid they are. No, I don't think he would. Sure, he got angry and hurt that people were buying and selling in the temple and he drove the animals out with a whip, and told the people to take the doves out and not to turn his Father's house into a market. And in doing that, he wasn't doing anything to pride himself or to be mean. There are times when we are allowed, I believe, to get stern with people if they're doing something against God. But never for our own satisfaction. Never thinking "Yep, I told them that they were pathetic....." We do these things out of love for our Father and for those who we speak with, ALWAYS out of the desire to help them. Not to prove anything.

We have to look at our enemies as God's possible children. Not as a lost cause. Treat them with love. Jesus never was unloving to those who were ordering his death or the ones who drove the nails into his skin. If anyone had the right, it was him. If he didn't, who are we to think we have the right to be mean?

What we HAVE to do, is forgive people. Again, Jesus did. He forgave people who did not deserve it. There is no other answer. We MUST forgive our enemies. And of course, we must forgive our brothers, the ones we love. We do not have the right to make them pay for what they put us through. And, if God forgave them, who are we to continue punishing them? No one at all. Forgiveness isn't just saying you forgive a person. It is in your heart. You feel for them, you care about their relationship with Jesus and our Father. You want them to have that too. You don't just want them to have a good life. You want them to have LIFE. If you don't forgive them, like Matt 6:15 says, your Father will not forgive you. How can you get stronger in your faith if you aren't forgiven? Forgive. Forgive and love the person you forgave. Love them by wanting to show them God through Jesus. Be Jesus for them. BE Jesus for them. Perfect love.

Now for fear...sometimes we think we don't have fear. We might believe that nothing will ever scare us. Nothing will break us. Nothing will get through our hardheadedness (hardheartedness). And that's what it is sometimes. We are so prideful, so afraid (fear) of looking foolish, so afraid of being hurt after we let out guard down, that we just don't let it down. And we think that makes us strong. But that is a LIE. That "strength" comes from flesh, not from God. If we aren't getting our strength from God, it will only hurt us. Fear is very bad. We are told to not be anxious over anything. Don't worry about tomorrow. Don't worry about your provisions. God will provide for you. Yet, what do we do? We store up treasures on earth. We have 401K's and stocks. We have storehouses with food, just in case. That is anxiety. Where is our faith that God will provide? Why are we worrying about the future? Why are we putting faith in ourselves, and in what we can do? Why do we put out faith in God NOT providing for us? Are we not more important than the birds and lilies? Don't be anxious. Ever.

Fear keeps us from wonderful, spirit-filled relationships. Again, we are afraid to look stupid. What if we try something, like say we try to have faith that God will heal our broken leg, without having to go to the hospital. So you pray, but you don't want to get up and walk on it. There are two fears. One, that it will hurt, and two that it won't work, then you feel foolish. But conquering that fear makes our faith stronger. Or maybe our fear is that we don't want to open up to people. We're afraid because we have been so terribly hurt before when we trusted people. So we choose not to let that happen again. That IS fear. Like it or not, it is fear. We have to be willing to hurt. I promise that if we let ourselves trust each other, yes, it will hurt, but we will heal quickly and our Father will make us soooo much stronger for it. It will be so much better once we do. We will grow in faith and love and be able then to help other people out of pure Godly love, rather that our fleshly love. It will come from God.

OK, now I was thinking of crazy things while reading your post. I'm sure I'm way off, but it's still a pretty awesome idea.

You quoted 1 Cor 13:2-8. We can do good things but if we aren't doing them out of love, it is pointless. It means nothing. It isn't what we do, it's why we do it. We may even suffer for another person and we think we must love them if we suffered for them. No, it isn't enough. It has to be pure, without pride, without self-glorifying. It can't be selfish.

Then it goes on about what love is and is not. But then, THEN, at the end, people end it with 'Love never fails'. But it doesn't end there. It goes on with 'But if [there be] prophecies, they will become useless; if tongues, they will cease by themselves; if knowledge, it will become useless.'

Why does it say this after talking about love? Love never fails. And then this? I thought maybe it was saying that love will never go away, but at some point prophesying, tongues, and knowledge will go away. And I think that is true. One day, there will be no need for those things. When Jesus comes and makes the Kingdom complete, there will be no need for these things. But there will still be a need for love.

It made me think of it like this though. If you don't have love, eventually you will stop prophesying, you will stop with tongues, and your knowledge will be useless.

Eh, I don't know why it came across that way to me while I was reading your post. It sounded good then.

I have heard of people who speak in tongues and they have a form of godly devotion, but I can see that their love isn't pure. I know people who are knowledgeable in "spiritual" things, but it isn't pure. I don't know about the prophesying.

So, yeah. Those are my thoughts on your post.

teeth and a request

2007-10-10T00:21:00.000-05:00

I can honestly call myself a procrastinator. I will wait until I have no dishes before I would wash any. I will have nothing but a can of coconut milk in the cabinet before I go shopping. I will stay awake until my head is about to fall off before I sleep. And I will let me teeth go until the pain is so bad that I'm crying.

I have fillings that went bad a few years back and probably new cavities as well. I really don't mind going to the dentist. I mean, yeah, I hate going and getting shots. I hate the gooey stuff they put on your teeth to clean them. I hate the whiring noise. And the numb mouth up to my ear that lasts all day. But I would still be willing to go. Along with procrastinating, I also find it hard to get money to go. I know it would cost at least $800. And when we save money, it's usually for a reason. Sometimes for stupid reasons, like going to Disney World. Or for responsible reasons like paying taxes or to fix our sewer.

I can ignore the pain of the cavities by avoiding cold or sweet things that could stick to my teeth, like chocolate candy or caramel. And the pain can be excrutiating. It would usually last for a minute, slowly fading.

I have been working on making my faith alive. You know, walk the walk, not just talk the talk. What's the point in knowing God CAN help you, if you don't believe that He WILL help you? Is your faith that He will heal you or is it that He won't? If you think He won't, then your faith is what fails you, not God.

So, the other day we went to rent a movie and there were people selling Girl Scout cookies. We very rarely get them. I haven't had them in probably 4 years or more. I know Tony likes Thin Mints, as do we all, and I wanted Caramel Delites. We got one of each.

Now, I had just been complaining to Tony about how my teeth hurt so bad when I eat chocolate or caramel and that I have prayed about it. So I will be eating something and not even think about it and start eating on the right side of my mouth, where it hurts. And then I feel that familiar pain coming on. And I say to God "Now why is it that I pray for you to fix my teeth and yet I still have pain? I wasn't avoiding eating on that side of my mouth, Father. Sometimes I avoid it, but I'm trying to have faith and I ate on that side, so shouldn't it not have hurt?" And I continue to pray, first for the pain to go away, then for more faith.

After we bought the cookies, we went home with our movie and watched it. I opened the Caramel Delites and had one. This time, though, I remembered that my teeth normally hurt on the one side and I made it a point to chew on that side that it hurts on. I figure if I'm really going to put faith in God, then I need to act on that faith. I had to believe that I was healed and that since I'm healed, it will NOT hurt for me to eat sweet stuff. And so I ate it. And it didn't hurt. Later I had another. No pian. The next day, the same thing. I thank God.

God can give and He can take. As long as my faith is pure, I believe my teeth will remain well. If I begin doubting again, it will come back.

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And now a request.

My mom has been trying to renew her loan for months now. Well, she's been trying to figure out which portion is hers, and which is mine. That has proven impossible. Finally she got the paperwork filled out and they took them in today. I'm thinking, thank goodness, because I want to quit paying nearly $200 extra a month on this ARM loan that has expired. So we're paying all this extra interest. Then she drops the bomb. She talked with the loan person about my situation with the loan and he said it should be no problem for us to get a loan and that my mom should email me the information tonight and tomorrow I can just run it up there and get it processed with hers. Then she also tells me that it would be a 5 year ARM. I tell her that I don't want to get an ARM, because I see how much of a hassle it has been, and if the economy begins to collapse, I don't want my house to get taken from me. And it will happen whether we have a regular loan or an ARM loan, really. I don't want a loan at all. Then she says "well, if you want a fixed rate loan, it will take two months to process it. " She says that as if I care. She has burdened me with her loan that she has put off refinancing. Because of it, it has cost me thousands of dollars in interest. And now she wants me to screw up my loan by getting an ARM loan , just so she can get her loan processed now, instead of in two months.

So I called Tony and he is seeing about loans from someone. And I'm praying for a solution. Whether it be our own loan, my parents keeping us on theirs, or even $30,000 to fall from the sky.

I'm asking you to please pray that God will help us with this and help us to have faith and patience. Not fear and anxiety. Fear and anxiety are anti-God. They come from satan, not God. I don't want or need that. Also, I find that when I stop worrying, miracles happen.

Thank you.

Who is your ruler?

2007-10-03T22:56:00.000-05:00

If you're not ruled by faith, you're ruled by fear.

antidepressants and other "chemicals"

2007-09-22T00:19:00.000-05:00

There's a discussion board that I look at occasionally, even though it never fails to let me down. Some of these people choose to believe in medicine instead of in Jesus and our Father. Here's a gem: "Whatever keeps you alive is better than being dead." And another: "Anyone who has been touched by suicide understands how difficult it can be....If a pill can get you through that level of depression, a pill it should be."

Where is their faith in God? When you try to tell people like this that they can be healed, they deny it. They DENY Jesus. It drives me mad. People could be cured by Jesus, instead of relying on man and on drugs, which I believe are a pretty bad thing. I think drugs are an addiction and reliance that the devil gives us, so that we will not rely on God. They become so needed, such an addiction, that if we were to go off of them, we could possibly die. Yeah, only if you believe that, which is fear, instead of believing in God, which is love. There is no fear in love.

It is this simple. Ask God to cure you. Ask Him to relieve you of the curse and to deliver you from the spirits, from the sickness and then practice your faith. Do that by believing that he has helaed you. If you are healed, you will stop taking any medication that is supposed to "help" with those problems. You don't take medicine when you aren't sick. So stop taking the drugs. Next, and I am a firm believer that this is the most important thing to do with your faith....if you doubt even a little, just stop right there, tell God that you're sorry and ask Him to help you and strengthen you. Every time you doubt, do that. When someone that knows that you had whatever illness asks you about it, tell them, without fear, even if you have to say a prayer and ask for courage, that you aren't sick because you've been healed. NEVER deny it. If you have a moment of weakness, pray about it and keep going. I'm also a firm believer in this...God can take away a sickness. BUT if you aren't careful, your faith, if it isn't in God, but is in the medicine and sickness because maybe you start to get scared that it'll come back or someone steers you back to doubt, can bring the sickness back. Whatever your faith is, will happen. If you believe that God won't take it away, he won't. If you believe that pills will "help" you, they will, by enslaving you to dependancy on them. And then you aren't depending on God. You aren't allowing Jesus to heal you.

Jerika's wedding....more blessings

2007-09-14T23:51:00.000-05:00

We had a good weekend in Kentucky. Too short though. Gil and LeAnn came here and looked at our house. I rode with Gil. LeAnn and Jacque rode with Tony and Mina. We did the same coming back, except we stopped in Fairview to eat and they went home from there. Gil and I had a conversation about God changing a baby's DNA. Haha. It was a good one.

The wedding was outside at a lake/park place, kind of. It was simple and small. The talk was great. There was one part where Tony said something and I was just like YES. LeAnn must have thought the same thing, because she looked back at me and smiled. I nodded and smiled. I recorded a little on my camera. They came over the next day. They took us to a creek about half an hour away. It was so great. Gil, LeAnn, Jeremy, and Tony got baptised. Erika and I took pictures. It was simple and perfect. We drove back and had lunch (my grandma's shrimp), and the adults played a game, except me because I'm so bad at coming up with things off the top of my head. At 10:00 that night, after they left, we had dinner (LeAnn's mostaccioli) and then I think we got in the hot tub at some point. Before dinner maybe. We also had the bread and wine with lunch, while Jeremy and Erika were there. We got up very early the next day to get going.

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In news about our sewer..it ended up being $3,280. Our friends (from God) gave us that first chunk. So we paid the guy twice. Altogether we've paid $1800. We were planning on paying $400 next week because we need to start saving for the second half of our taxes, due the beginning of November. Tony got a call today from him. He asked if we had any more money for him this week. Well, we just paid him last week, so it would still be one more week yet. Tony told him we would try to get him another $900 next week. Also keep in mind that he hasn't cashed the $900 check we gave him last week. What gives? So Tony is telling me about paying him this big amount, and I'm thinking why on earth did he tell the guy we'd give him that much. We can't do that. Then he told me that the guy said that if we can give him another $900 next week, he'll call it even. So we would save almost $600. Blessing number one.

2. I talked to my mom today. She said they are doing an application for a new loan and if it works, we can go back down to $300 a month or so, instead of nearly $500. And it isn't even in our name. I would not run out on them, but if there were some kind of economic fall, and their house got taken, I would be happy to still have mine. For a while at least.

3. Things at Tony's work are changing. It looks like a blessing now, but even if something were to happen with it, it will be a blessing in the end.

4. I called the electric company and we're getting an $85 rebate.

5. I called MacMall and we are getting two rebates I think. At least around $120.

Blessings everywhere. And I consider the first one a miracle.

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I am learning patience and faith.

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At work, we have this Blood Born Pathogens test we have to take about how to deal with a person who has a cut or needs mouth-to-mouth. We have to take precautions, like gloves, or a special tool to put on the mouth so we don't get spit in our mouth from the person. That way, if by some very rare chance the person has HIV or Hepititus, we will have less of a chance of getting it. One of the questions last year was like "If a person needs mouth-to-mouth and you can't find the (tool to pretect you from unlikely disease) then you should not give mouth-to-mouth". And it was true. They honestly expect me to let the person die just so that I don't get a disease that the person probably doesn't have. Rediculous. I was talking to Jeri about it. She said to me "I just think that if I did mouth-to-mouth without the precautionary tool, God would protect me". And I said "AMEN. I feel exactly the same way. I love you." That's faith.

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I didn't used to believe like that. I had a form of Godly devotion but proved false to its power. I didn't believe that God did that kind of stuff. You know, miracles. He does. Sometimes to prove to a person that he does them. Sometimes just because he knows that's what we need. Sometimes because he needs us to have that. Who knows. But he does it. And I thank Him. Praise God, my Father.

Les Mis; answered prayer/miracles

2007-08-22T22:57:00.000-05:00

A couple of Thursdays ago we went to see Les Mis with Amanda and Carrie. Amanda was about to go to New Mexico for nine months for schooling. So we met up with her two days before she left to see this. When we were going to the Fox to see some plays, we saw a few really great shows. I thought I would love Phantom, but it wasn't so great. I didn't think I'd like Hairspray or Les Mis. But it turned out they are so good, though complete opposites. Hairspray is flashy, funny, and so much fun. Les Mis is dark, sad, and intense. Hairspray has loose morals and lacks God. Les Mis is all about how everyone thinks they are pleasing God and about redemption. When we saw that it was playing at the outdoor theatre, even though it was hot, we decided to see it. Of course it wasn't as good as the first time. Since that one was indoors, the sound was stronger. But there was a lot I missed the first time because I didn't know what it was about. This time I knew what to look for. It was emotional. "To love another person is to see the face of God". I'm glad we got to see it with them. Of course Mina came too. We went to their apartment first to have homemade pizza. It was good. Then we drove us all to the show. So now Amanda is gone and probably lonely. I don't want her to be lonely.

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Now for answered prayers and miracles.

First, there's a lady I know who has tons of family that are all incredibly close and dependant on eachother. She has a husband, two grown daughters, and a 9 year old son. She got cancer at least two years ago. She went through tons of chemo. It just kept coming back. Finally, she had one last option, faith not being it, to try. She went to Pennsylvania, I believe, to a clinic. They do a vicious treatment that can kill a person. It just drains you, so that you really are about dead. She came back home and wouldn't get results until months later. She didn't really want them in case it didn't work. This way, she could go on pretending to be ok. She finally got the results and the cancer is gone. Now, it has been gone before and came back, but I don't think that will happen. I know that I've prayed for it to go away and stay away. I'm sure there are other people who have done the same. I told my sister I think that's a miracle, but she didn't know if she wanted to give God the credit or give the credit to modern medicine. All good gifts come from God.

Second, we have had some serious sewer problems. Over the last few years, our toilet has gotten sluggish at flushing. We prayed about it and it made the flushing better, but one day I went down to do laundry and I saw the big bucket that the air water goes into was full. I went to open the hole to pour it out and instead water came up. Eventually it went down and I closed the hole. I started my laundry. Mina was taking a bath. I was upstairs and I heard a loud sound like water bursting up something. Mina yelled for me and I couldn't get in the bathroom because she locked it so I told her to get out of the tub. When she opened the door, it wasn't the tub at all, but the toilet bowl was empty. I went downstairs and there was mildly soapy water all over the floor from the washer. When the washer went to empty again, I heard more water splashing. The sewer was so blocked, that the water busted off the lid on the side of our main pipe in the basement and the water was coming out of it. So we couldn't flush the toilet or shower or wash dishes or do laundry. Even washing our hands and brushing out teeth was difficult. We had a guy try to auger it but it would only go 15 feet. Last time they came, they said it would cost $1700. So I was getting really worried. We only have some money in savings and it's going down because of lots of stuff. A very good friend of ours was praying for us and wanted to know what to do. God told her to look in her receipts book from a cleaning job. She found out that she didn't get paid for a length of time, but didn't realize it because of being sidetracked. She called to verify and they told her she was right. They are giving her a check for $900. She talked it over with her husband and they are giving it to us to help pay for our sewer. Of course, I have thanked them, but I know that if it was us with the money and them with the problem, and I prayed about it, I would know that that money was no longer mine. It was from God and for us. I am amazed at that. I think it's the most obvious miracle we've had. Of course, there have been others. Tony doesn't have asthma anymore and he has eaten peanuts in food accidently, twice, and hasn't gotten sick at all. In the past, he had a cookie with some peanut butter in it, and it made him so sick he had to go to the hospital. At the very least, it will make his throat itchy, then make his skin blotchy, then close up his lungs, then kill him. Soon after, he ate something at a chinese restaurant that had peanuts and he went to the hospital again. Now, when he accidently eats peanut stuff, he might get an itchy throat. That's it. Nothing else. Unbelievers can say that he is just getting over the allergy. All good gifts come from God. Anyhow, I told my sisters and parents about the money and though they did think it was really nice of our friends to give us money, they didn't seem to be that impressed with the God part. I told a lady at work who tries very hard to believe and has more faith than my family does, and she thought it was pretty amazing. I agree with her.

Third, yesterday the sewer people came and were able to get the hardest part done, right in between the house and our neighbors driveway. The driveway is rock and it had cement rectangular stones, that go down in the ground to edge their driveway. When they dug out down to the pipes, the "dirt" ended up being sand and it was not cooperating. It kept falling back down, and making more of the ground collapse, even when one of the guys was in the hole. When they got finished with that part for the day, the main guy told me that the cement blocks all fell into the hole. He hoped that our neighbors wouldn't notice or be mad. And if all else failed we could get the city to tell them that it had to be done and there isn't a @#% thing they can do about it. I didn't want to do that. I kind of lightly prayed about it and told Tony. I keep being anxious for it to be done, and finally they start work on it only for another problem to stress me out. So I worried for a minute then tried not to. A few minutes later, the neighbor came home. I rushed out there to talk to him and he was just like "It's no problem". Then he said he wants to pour a cement driveway anyway and that he hates rock. And not to worry about it. I was elated. It was absolutely the most perfect outcome. I expected him to be mad, because if it had been my decent driveway, I wouldn't want it to have been touched. He shouldn't have to pay for our problems. But he didn't mind at all. I was just giddy. All good things come from God.

And fourth, yesterday was my first day back to work. I needed to have this Friday and next Monday off for a wedding in Kentucky. So I had to already ask for both of my personal days off, only four days into the school year. I was worried because it's so early in the year, and I'm working a new job and a new person is taking my old job, and because we have a new principal who might want to make an example of me. So I prayed about it ONE time and left it alone. Sometimes, out of habit of negative thinking, a doubt would come in my head. And very quickly I would say no, don't think that way. It will be fine. I WILL be going on this trip. I never prayed about it again though. So I went to work and thought about asking if the principal approved it yet. Then I thought if he hadn't, then it would make him irritated that I'd asked. Then I forgot about it until the end of the day when I was filling out my time. Then I asked my boss if she had heard anything about it. She said yeah, it was approved. She'd gotten a paper saying it was. She said it as if I should've known already. Faith works. There are times, I believe, when you'll ask for something and will not get it because it isn't ok or the right time. But I knew that this had to be ok. I was certain it would be ok. And yet, when she told me, I felt even more happy like it was settled. All good gifts come from God.

A little thing that happened was that I had to go shopping for a skirt and shirt for this wedding. I HATE shopping. I went and kind of got overwhelmed at first. But I quickly found two shirt that looked pretty good, which is all I can hope for. I still needed a skirt. I went to another store and found a skirt at the last minute and another shirt. I was so happy. Quick and painless. I didn't even get to the point of feeling dizzy. It wasn't the most important thing, but I still have to praise God.

We leave Friday afternoon for Kentucky. Our friends are coming to our house around noon. We're coming back Monday. Right now we're trying to clean everything. With the sewer problems, it has slowed us down a lot. So I have a day and a half left to clean like mad. I work best under pressure. This house should be spotless.

house church things

2007-08-13T02:46:00.000-05:00

Last Sunday we went to a Randy and Mary's house. Tony had met them once or twice. I never had but he spoke highly of them, and had been emailing Mary a little. One of the times when Tony met with them, he also met Alvin and Margaret, We had then to our home over a month ago, with their youngest child, Eleanor. They we really easy to get along with and they also brought a simple salad, but it was made with lots of vegetables, lettuce being a minor ingredient. It was really good.

At Randy and Mary's house there was also another couple, Chuck and Jackie. They're nice and are fairly involved with their church, but they want to move to Texas. She is noticing that the church, even though they have given the church plenty of money, that the church isn't there for them in return. And I'm sure that's true. Alvin talked about his job situation. We picked them up because their car wouldn't start. Chuck and Jackie offered to take Alvin's family home, which was really nice because Mina had to sit on my lap, without a seatbelt so that we could all fit, this while driving on 170. We talked about how we should be, as house church people.

This week we went back. Jackie wasn't there because she went to Tennessee for a wedding. Alvin brought his other children, Addison and Mya. They were really cute. The kids took a while to warm up, but eventually were talking quietly together. They took turns playing Mina's DS. Alvin and Margaret ended up getting a minivan that would've cost them $900 but they got it for free. The air doesn't work and they're in need of some kind of gasket that will cost $1700, but I believe that either it will be fixed for them, or this car is temporary and when it dies, another will be there for them. Alvin is trying to find work, but is having a hard time. I think he wants a job where he can get paid for his ministry. He feels like he won't have enough time to work a normal job and still have time to give his all to helping people. We also had our first communion with them. Margaret brought Mogen David wine, which was really sweet and good, and I think maybe Chuck brought bread. Maybe not. We had dinner with that. It was a nice time.

Next week we're going to Greg and Kathryn's. Not their house. Kathleen is getting baptized, which is awesome. I think we're going to a hotel to do it. Travis and Roberta came into town from Texas. Their hotel might have a pool.

Saturday, we went to Miriam and Allan's wedding. It was very simple. They had a big wedding party. They both wore sandals. Roberta played the guitar and sang before the wedding and while they walked up and back down the aisle, and after the wedding while everyone cleared out. The reception was normal except that we got to eat right when we got there. It was like a cafeteria line. I've only been to receptions where the bridal party, then the family, then everyone else goes to eat. I found out that Miriam has three Japanese siblings. I think two brothers and one sister. The oldest brother was cool, with japanese anime hair and a skinny torso. I almost did the dollar dance with Allan but then it felt embarrassing. Mina met a boy, maybe named Josiah. He's 10, lives in Wisconsin, goes to a christian school, and Mina says he's cute. Also, there were these great origami decorations on the tables. Little birds and some balls kind of shaped like the Epcot ball. It was typical though. Macarena, Cha Cha Slide, the Chicken Dance. I'm guessing we left around 4:30.

It was my family's convention this weekend. Leah asked me if it felt weird knowing that they're at the convention and I'm not. I said it can a little, but I don't always know when they're assemblies are. And since my weekend just feels like any other weekend, I don't notice too much. But for them, the convention is an event. Me not being there has to be weird. This year is the first convention I have ever missed. In 28 years. THAT is weird. Leah said she misses me most when she doesn't see me at the assemblies, because it's smaller, like 700 people, and we used to sit a few rows in front of them. Mina would sit with them for the second half sometimes. It makes me sad that it has to be this way. And yet I feel good about my decision. It's bittersweet.

In less than two weeks we're going to Jeremy and Erika's wedding. Tony is officiating. Gil is Jeremy's best man. We're staying in cabin. We'll leave Friday, around noon, and come back Monday, late afternoon. It's a 6 hour drive. Gil and LeAnn are coming here, maybe to our house. We'll have to take two cars, but we'll probably trade people so we can have more fun. I haven't talked to Gil in at least 2 weeks. I've been trying to stay off of Skype because it's distracting. I did talk to LeAnn, just about the trip plans. I'm excited about it now that I've got my clothes shopping done.

sadness/happiness

2006-11-20T22:00:00.000-06:00

The weekend started off upsetting like I mention before with Mina and I trying to go see Happy Feet.

Saturday was a day of nothing. I wanted to get the Wii. It was coming out Sunday at 12:01 a.m. Our Walmart is open 24 hours. But stores that open in the morning would not sell until Sunday when they open, like 8:00 a.m. for Target. I went to Walmart (also my tire was low after I just got them rotated and balanced at Walmart that week) to see the line for the Wii. There were about 25-30 people waiting, and only 30 Wii's in stock. I decided that I wouldn't be waiting there. But with a 12 midnight launch of the system, I guess everyone wanted to get theirs early. I went home and called around to others stores, Walmarts, Targets, even Sears to see how many each store had and what size lines they had. Some had 3o, 39, 10 consoles. The lines weren't too big in them. Then I called Target about 35 minutes away. They had 60 consoles and a less than 10 waiting. Of course they opened in the morning. I kept checking there and the line was about 15. When I called back around 9:40 they didn't know for sure and made a guess of 30-50 people. They couldn't guess any better than that. I chose to go there around 4:00 a.m. But after that estimate I decided I might leave earlier. I also talked with another Target a bit closer to me. They didn't know how many they had, so they say, but there were only a few people in line, like no more that 8. I figured they have 30 at least, since other Targets around here did. And it's in a nice area. Then I found a website that listed all the Targets in your area code and how many they each had. After matching up the other numbers to the list, I knew it was legitimate. This Target closer to me had 39. I got excited and left here at about 1:30. I went to Walmart (24 hours) to get a comfy lawn chair, then I drove to the Target close to me before heading out to the one farther, just in case the line was short. It was. Only 3 tents. I guessed there were between 5 to 7 people. In fact there were 8. I stayed there, in my car. I set my PDA to wake me up at 4:00, even though I figured cars would eventually wake me up. Well, I never went to sleep. One guy showed up at maybe 2:50. I stayed in my car a while, then went to QuikTrip to use their restroom before I went to sit in the cold weather. And cold it was. I'm not sure on the temperature but it was pretty cold, but the killer was the wind. It wasn't hard but it was almost constant. I had a thin but warm type of blanket, but I really needed something that the wind couldn't get through. I had a hat, the half gloves Carrie made for Tony, and a head scarf. Of course I had a coat on, but I forgot my neck scarf in my car. ( I drove Tony's car because my low tire that I was going to get fixed at Walmart, but didn't because it was a 3 hour wait, went flat.) I was very cold. My feet were numb and my legs were freezing. I didn't know until I got home how cold my butt was. I couldn't feel that it was cold until I changed my pants. It was ice too. By 5:00 a.m. I was getting so cold that I lightly contemplated for a moment here and there of leaving. It was such a long two hour wait for them to give us tickets at 7:00 a.m. Once it reached near that time, I heard someone say they were giving out tickets at 7:30. Ugh. Everyone began putting there stuff away. So I put mine away too. Finally they came with tickets. They were very nice. I was number 8, because two people in line ahead of me weren't getting their own systems. At 7:50 they let us in and we went to another line by the electronic section. They let the people in one by one to choose they accessories, games, and get their console. I got an extra Wiimote and nunchuck, a card with 2000 Wii points to download games from onto the machine, like Mario 64, I got the game Trauma Center (int's a doctor game Japanese anime style where you can do surgery) and the system. Altogether it was $405.??. I was happy. I have 4 days off starting tomorrow. Plus Christmas break. I just want something to do, plus it's so awesome to have this system before everyone else. So I came home and was so tired after being awake for almost 24 hours, and I also had to go to a funeral for Tony's aunt 2 & 1/2 hours away, then go to Tony's parents house for dinner with all their kid's plus Alex's fiance Dawn and her two kids, Kurt and Destiny. I didn't want to go because of being treated weird, but we decided to go. So I knew I wouldn't be home until 10:00. I knew I would be dead. But I also couldn't sleep for a while before we went. We had to leave by 11:30 to go pick up Amanda. It was about 8:30 already. I'd only get two hours and I was afraid sleeping would just make everything worse. So we hooked the Wii up. It took a while to do that and to set up the system after we turned it on. We made our Wii characters. We bought and downloaded Mario 64 onto our system. Then we played golf Wii Sports. I woke Mina up and she made her character and played some tennis and golf, I think.

Next, we hurriedly got ready for the funeral. We picked up Amanda and headed to Rolla. We went to Walmart to kill a few minutes. It seems like the only place to go in Rolla. We got to the kingdom hall about half an hour early. Tony and I sat down and stayed to ourselves. Ellen Machuga came. Marla and Natalie Shimmer, Bill Washington, and Charles Rancher were there from Edwardsville. We were hoping no one from our old hall would be there, especially elders, but we knew it might happen. And of course Tom and Jill came. They have been good friends with Tony's parents for around 30 years. Also, Terry was staying at their home while he was healing after his surgery. But considering it was Tom who called me, I assume doing Jason's dirty work, about if I still want to be a witness or did I join the religion Tony was in(Tony is NOT in a religion), I really didn't want him to talk to me about that at a funeral. Tony called him after I got the call from Tom. Tony left a message saying that he wanted them to let us be. He didn't want me to go through the abuse he suffered at the elders(supposed shepherds) hands. I don't know if Tom wanted to make sure I felt the same, and not just take Tony's word for it or if he needed my answer even though my head, Tony, told him how things were. Either way, by him asking me, he got the answer they needed to df me, and I'm guessing that they won't even tell me what they're going to do. Whether it will be df or da. I probably won't even know it happened until my family calls me up to let me know. Dirty. They didn't even try to shepherd me. They have failed at the job they took on. I don't mind, but they shouldn't make promises they can't or don't want to keep. They claim to be directed by God. God would love me and help me. In Tom's defense, though I'm not sure how sincere it was, he did tell us that he loves us and I could tell that it pained him. I don't know why. Because Tony is like family to them, because Tony's parents are so close to Tom and he doesn't want to hurt them, because Jason and Jack are forcing him to do something that he knows is scripturally wrong and he is guilty of killing me spiritually according to their beliefs. I would feel guilty too. It's not worth it to be an elder if you can't actually be like Jesus. Instead you are like Pharisees. Following the letter of the law but ignoring the love. I also spoke with Ellen. That was sad. She said Jeannie came to the meeting for the first time in months, longer than me. She told me that I know where I need to be. That she comes to the meetings for strength( I used to until I realized that I can go to Jesus and it's miraculous, meetings aren't unless I am helping others). She told me to come back, and said okay after it, like should answer yes. But I couldn't and I felt bad, not guilty, but bad because I wanted to tell her that I go to Jesus, but she wouldn't understand because they don't know Jesus. And neither do I but I know him enough to know that I should go to him to get to the Father. So I told her that I can't promise her that I'll come back. She looked puzzled, lost. I said I can't tell her I'll do something that I don't know I'll do, because it would be like lying if I didn't do it. Witnesses say to come back with the expectation of you answering them that you will, even if it isn't true, just so they'll feel good, and they did their job. They mean it from their hearts, so I appreciate it, but it makes me sad.

Terry called us Saturday about coming to their house after the funeral because since his surgery he has had to wear a mask when he goes in public. The mask get uncomfortable after a while. So he was just going home. He said he was going to invite Alex and his family and of course Amanda. I told him we'd tell him tomorrow what we were going to do because we were planning on going to Greg and Kathryn's house since we never get to anymore now that we meet on Sundays. And I was so tired and we'd get home so late. Amanda talked to them about what we would have for dinner. She said maybe she'd pick up a bucket of chicken. I hate fried chicken. Amanda requested something better, even just pizza. So we did decide to go there in spite of all the strikes against it. Debbie talked to me as we were leaving. She said Terry wanted her to go to the food gathering for the funeral so she could spend time with the family. She said her family is at her home. That made me teary and I half hugged her and said "Thank you Debbie". It really made me feel good, for Tony. He deserves to have his family. Alex and his family got the a while later after getting the kids. They didn't bring them to the funeral. And they picked up a couple desserts. The adults ate in the dining room, the kids in the back room. They had a great time. We had roast, or some kind of chunky roast like meat cooked on the bone, mashed potatoes and gravy, dinner rolls, and vegetables. It was very good, and heartwarming. We had good conversation and the prayer Terry said was very thankful of Jesus, which was so nice. After dinner we had pie. Then it was 6:40 and Terry asked if anyone wanted to play Scrabble. Now I love Scrabble even though I never win, but it was too late to start a game for me with not having sleep for 33 hours and having to drive home at night, while I'm exhausted and having to work in the morning. I didn't want to leave a good thing, but my body was about to shut down. We said our goodbyes and I hugged everyone and said a very heartfelt thank you to Terry and Debbie, even if they didn't know it. Amanda drove from Rolla to her house. We got home around 9:30. I still didn't get to sleep until probably midnight because Mina wasn't as tired as me.

I was so glad that we went because it was really nice. We had a normal enjoyable time with Tony's family. Maybe it will never happen again but I thank God for it. At the funeral they played the music for the song Jehovah Is My Shepherd. No words but it was really beautiful and it made me feel nostalgic for my old congregation. I love those people, all of them, but there are some that I miss quite a lot. And that music, plus it being a good song, made me feel sad. I really want a cd of the Kingdom Melodies. At the convention there was new music for the Kingdom Melodies being played. It was just beautiful music and I think they said that it was new and we could get it from our kingdom halls starting in September. My dad thinks that what they said. I'd really like to get it but I don't know who to ask.

I have all week off and I'm going to Mina's school tomorrow for lunch. She also gets off early since she has Thursday and Friday off for Thanksgiving. Amanda might come over sometime this week. I need to do dishes and then some.

looking in the wrong places; family shunning=love?

2006-11-18T01:58:00.000-06:00

Tonight I was feeling blah, as I have been for many days, weeks... I prayed to my Father, or so I hope. After the prayer I opened up my bible somewhat randomly in the New Testament. It was John. So the first chapter on the page was chapter 6. I thought I'd start there. But before I even began to read I decided that I didn't want to read that. I felt like reading up a ways higher. My eyes went to John 5:39. Do you know what it says? "You are searching the Scriptures, because YOU think that by means of them YOU will have everlasting life; and these are the very ones that bear witness about me. 40 And yet YOU do not want to come to me that you may have life." Ugh.

Thursday at Mina's school in P.E. the teacher had the class play dodge ball for the first time. If you know me you'd know that I'm strictly opposed to dodge ball. Schools teach the children to not hit other kids, to be respectful to others, and not to be violent. Tell me, where does dodge ball fit in here? I hate it. I have many times thought of rallying against it in some way. Not really a rally, but a letter or a talk with the principal and superintendent. I guess Mina had told a couple friends that she can't play dodge ball. So her friends told the P.E. teacher that Mina can't play. Her teacher asked Mina if it was because of her glasses(she got glasses last Friday). Mina said no, it's because the game is violent. HAHAHA. Go Mina!!! So the teacher let her sit out. Now I have to talk to the teacher to make sure she won't give Mina a lesser grade because she doesn't play that. I'd hate to have to prove them wrong. No, I wouldn't.

Also, today Mina had a substitute teacher. Mina's 9th birthday was today, and contrary to popular belief just because I don't go to the kingdom hall anymore, doesn't mean we've begun to celebrate birthdays. Well this teacher comes up to Mina and starts asking her bunches of questions about her faith. Like what church does she go to, what religion, who is the priest, and "so you don't celebrate your own birthday?" There were more I think but Mina can't remember them all. I like that it gave Mina a chance to stand up for truth, but I don't like that a teacher is asking a 9 year old "religious" questions, and I have no way of knowing her intentions in doing this. Like I said, she's a sub. Mina answered her, but didn't want to. She said she goes to church at home, and that her dad is the priest, which is weird but that's how it seems to her since he takes the lead. That was awkward. I don't think of Tony as a priest and I don't think he does either.

Mina and I planned to go see Happy Feet tonight. My mom called me and asked if we had plans. I said yes. She said she was thinking of seeing a movie also. I thought maybe she wanted to go with us. So I let her know that Tony wasn't coming, it was just Mina and I. She said that she wanted to do something with Mina but since we were busy that she wouldn't. She hurried off the phone. Well, I got concerned that maybe she wanted to come with us but thought she would be intruding since I told her Mina just wanted to go with me. So I called back. I told her I didn't want there to be any misunderstanding and again that Tony wasn't coming, just in case she wanted to join us. She quickly replied no, she wanted to do something with her and Mina, "just us girls" she said, but since Mina and I had plans, that that was fine, she'd do it another time. Again, she let me go quickly. Now, Mina was getting used to the idea of my mom coming. So when I told her that my mom wouldn't be joining us, we went to go into the theatre, but before we went in, Mina told me she didn't want to see the movie. We walked back to the car. She was sad that my mom wasn't coming. We talked about options, maybe my mom just meeting us there and I would go home. But Mina wanted me to be there too. So, way to go mom. You broke Mina's heart, and for what? For your man-made religion. Jesus would just love it. I'm not even df'd. Where's their "wait on Jehovah" attitude? Remember that one? It went like this: I know the society is wrong in a teaching and I tell my parents. I say that I can't stand this teaching and that I don't think I can stay in the religion. They say to me"Wait on Jehovah, he will reveal it to the "faithful and discreet slave" (a small group of men in Bethel, not including the rest of the anointed). Don't leave, wait on Jehovah". So I do. And now, now I am still officially a witness. They have not df'd me, I have not da'd myself. The supposed "faithful slave" has not chosen to excommunicate me, so why are they jumping ahead? If the "anointed" and the elders don't think I need to be df'd, why are they in such a hurry to shun me, the child they conceived and raised? If they really believe this is the one true religion and it's guided bu God, then they should continue to talk normal to me until the elders decide to kick me out. Way to follow your own advice on waiting on Jehovah.

1 Corinthians 3:16,17; Acts 17:24

2006-10-30T17:16:00.000-06:00

Amanda and Terry's surgery went very well. Praise God.

And two days later I received a phone call from an elder wanting to talk to me about some "things" they have heard about me. Nice timing guys. I asked what they were and he wouldn't tell me. Wanna know why he wouldn't tell me? Because he wanted to tell me in front of another elder. That way, there will be two witnesses to hear me answer them. Do I get to bring a witness with me? No way. Of course Jesus is my witness. I'm deciding what to do. If I go, they may be abusive toward me, like they were with Tony. If they are, that will not only bring more judgment upon themselves than they already have with Tony, but it will also make me bitter toward them. I don't want that. Plus, they have no authority over me as they are mere humans. They think they have authority, but they are not police and have not been given authority.

How did they find out about whatever it is? Well, we in this hall have what we like to call spies (please read Galations 2:4). They are elders and ministerial servants that look people up on the internet and call peoples friends and families to try to get "the goods" on their fellow brothers. Biblically, of course, they should not do this. But since they don't follow the bible, this really doesn't matter. One of these spies, or maybe (doubtfully) a nice person who just wanted to warn my sister, sent my brother-in-law an anonymous email showing him a website that has a profile of our meeting at our home. Mind you, this is a worship meeting where we praise God and Jesus, nothing against the bible. I guess we aren't allowed to worship Jesus unless we're at the kingdom hall. Apparently, the Witnesses all need to be disfellowshipped (spell check on this word comes up with no suggestions, as if to say that there is no such word, go figure) because their whole goal is to have home bible studies. So this anonymous person sent the email. Also keep in mind that according to the Jehovah's Witnesses rules, you should not be spreading around information about people that should only be told to the elders. Again, another rule they don't follow very well. Hence the reason the person sent it anonymously, because they knew that they could get in trouble for sending that, since it should've been only told to elders. So basically, whoever sent it is doing something wrong by telling other people about what they think I am doing wrong. Good one. This is your religion people. Where a person who doesn't agree with teachings gets kicked out, but the pedophile stays in because there was only one witness to the molestation. Makes sense. I'm sure the children feel very loved and safe in their "spiritual paradise".

As it turns out, I suppose that the same person who sent them this email, also told the elders, as this elder contacted me on the same night my sister called to ask me about this. So I'm sure they know, which I don't mind. I just don't like sneaky people, who spy in the name of God. Shame on you. The elders want to meet with me. Now, I have given this deep consideration in the past. There were two reasons why I didn't want to DA myself. One, I wasn't completely sure it was the right thing to do. I didn't know if maybe Jehovah wanted me to stay for a certain reason. Two, I didn't want to hurt my family. Though, number two was on my mind more. They will not be allowed to talk to me anymore. I really do understand why even if it doesn't make sense. I know that they have been taught that the Governing Body is always right (unless they change their mind or get "new light") so whatever the GB says, they do. If the GB were to say tomorrow that they were allowed to talk to disfellowshipped people, all of a sudden the "guilt" about talking to df'd ones would magically disappear. Their conscience would change. So I don't have much respect for people that can change at the drop of a word from the GB. The bible is the bible. If they read it, they would be able to discern it without having to wait for men to change things. They say to read the bible, meditate, pray about what you read so you can understand, unless it differs from what we say, then you get df'd. So I finally read the bible, and it didn't say what the witnesses taught, many times. To the extent that I can't be there. I'm sorry that it upsets anyone. But I can't lie.

So I'm still deciding how to handle this. So either I'll figure it out, or the elders will disassociate me without my knowledge.

Also, I am angry with Tony's parents. I find it so hypocritical, and according to their teachings, disgusting, that they will talk with Tony's brother, a fornicator( I love him and don't feel negatively toward him, but I'm trying to make a point) they will go out to eat with him and his girlfriend and her kids, with his parents even pretending that the two are married by calling his girlfriend "your wife", and they also call her kids HIS kids, which they aren't yet. And they will not do that with us, even though Tony is not sinning but is outwardly loving Jehovah. It almost as if they are saying that "We'd be happier if you were cheating on your wife so long as you aren't worshipping God outside of our religion. That's unforgivable". What is wrong with this picture.

I need to say this. Even if the elders had been the most loving elders, and had stuck up for me with all their might, I would still feel, spiritually, the same way I do now. It's not the lack of love that has lead me here. It is the love of God that has. It is my desire to lean on Jehovah, to look to Jesus for answers, instead of men. Yes, men can help us and encourage us. But they can also make mistakes and should not be relied upon for answers. John 6:63-69.

Jesus is who I follow. He got kicked out of the Jewish religion (God's people). He had teachings that they didn't believe and they thought he was a liar because Jesus taught against their precious leaders that they held in high esteem. If the religious leaders today want to kick me out for being a lover of truth, they can go ahead. I'll give up all my comforts just for one speck of undeserved kindness from my Father. It is worth it. I will follow Jesus to the death.

I love my family and will miss them greatly and hate that it has to be this way. I don't want them to hurt. I don't want to give up my parents, my sisters, their husbands. My nephews and soon, my new nieces/nephews that one of my sisters is having next year. They are twins and will probably be born premature because they are in the same sac and it very dangerous. I pray for her and them and that they will be kept safe throughout the pregnancy and that she will carry them full term without harm. I believe in miracles. I have faith but my faith isn't enough sometimes if they don't have faith. But I will continue to pray. I will love them all regardless. Mina will still get to be with them on occasion. I want her to know them. But I know that when she gets older they will disown her too unless they think she feels like them, even though she isn't baptized and isn't technically a witness. That will be harder for me than this because it's my child. It will hurt her and she may not be able to understand. God forgive them.

So, to the spies I say: you are cowards and just groveling to men. God knows who you are, even if you think you're anonymous. So who are you trying to please?

To my family and friends: I forgive you. I know that you feel like it's right and that you think you have to do this. I understand. I will miss you. Know that I have not closed the door on you. If you need help, let me know. We can call it business if that makes you feel better. I still love Jehovah and Jesus, more that I ever have. I plan to always do God's will. I love you and I hope we'll see one another in God's glorious kingdom.

opportunities

2006-10-18T15:52:00.000-05:00

We had our meeting last night. We ate chicken and chorizo burritos with black beans and guacamole. We sang some songs with guitar djembe, and shaker. And we talked about how different things in the book of Revelation match up. And we read a lot about being sons of God. And how believing in Jesus isn't enough to have life, or be "saved". We covered a lot in such a short time. Mina shared picture of the bread and wine. We read some scriptures about it too.

Last Friday we got a letter from Marisol, our Compassion child. She wrote in Spanish, I think, and in was translated (poorly) by the Compassion team. She also drew a picture of a house and what might be a vegetable garden. We're drafting a letter to send her soon.

Amanda is donating her kidney to her dad, my father-in-law, next Wednesday. I'm going to take off work that day so I can be there, even if I can't see either of them. Amanda asked Tony to be there. I think it's helpful, spiritually. It's so soon. I'm not worried but it makes me anxious. I'm more concerned for her than for my father-in-law. I think because not only has she been a friend for years, but having her over and growing spiritually with her, it makes me feel closer to her and care for her in a different (deeper) way.

We have also been in contact with some witnesses that feel similar to things as we do, not entirely. I will not name them or hint about them, because if anyone from my kingdom hall is spying, which they do(which by the way is unchristian) I will not help them. We hope to be able to be an encouragement to these ones, and they can encourage us as well.

One thing I'd like to know is, if an elder were reading my blog, why won't they disfellowship me? That's all.

Did I ever mention that Tony wrote a song? It is nice. It's called You Don't See (The Ugliness In Me).

I might go to my grandma's Saturday evening, depending on how they feel after driving two hours to see my uncle in prison. My aunt and uncle from Ohio are going with her. Sometime after this weekend Tony might go out of state to see a guy who recently got disfellowshipped just for the U.N. thing and he's feeling really lonely after going back to the hall and being shunned (how loving). And we're trying to get together with the "witnesses" we've talked with. We also are trying to help Greg's group maybe on the 28th to make food and take it to shelters. And help a lady near us who needs her windows fixed with weather stripping. Very full of possibilities. What blessings to be able to help people. This is way better than going door to door with magazines. We can actually help people now and maybe lead them to Jesus. What a true privilege.

a first, or maybe not?

2006-10-04T01:12:00.000-05:00

Tonight we had another dinner and worship. Amanda made white chili and brought tortilla chips. Mmmm. It was really filling. Mina was a beast most of the night. Delightful. We sang some songs-Take My Hand, Precious Lord, Holy Is The Lord (a song we learned at Greg and Kathryn's house church), and a new song that Tony wrote called You Don't See (The Ugliness In Me). Amanda played the djembe for us. I tried the tambourine and the banana shaker. I get so nervous singing. Which makes me salivate and then I have to find time to swallow spit and to breathe. It is nerve wracking. And that's just in front of Tony. Or even if I think about singing in front of people I get that way.

Tonight we talked about two resurrections, having "life" and sinning against the holy spirit if you have life, and the holy city. We also gave ideas of how to help people like with Project Compassion, who help feed the needy, and Tony knows a lady who has a house nurse and a teenage daughter. He met here while going in service with JW's. He goes to see her every once in a while. Her nurse told Tony that the lady needs her home weather proofed, which he looked into getting it set up through the state for her. It will take 9 months. Until then, since winter is coming, we're thinking of going over to weather strip her windows. Amanda said she is going to plan on helping a friends parents, the dad has cancer pretty bad, and they are spending all of their energy with that. So she wants to help through the week with laundry and stuff. It's important to show people the love of Jesus, even if they're Christians, or not. Without any expectations, just to love.

Tony has been saying how he doesn't want to be the leader of the house church. I think it's important to have a person who will sort of make the first move, just to give it order, but otherwise, for everyone to have an equal share if so moved to. I'd rather a man "take the lead" if he is spiritually moved to, but really only if things were to get out of hand somehow, which I sincerely doubt will happen. So, he has been telling us that he doesn't want to always be the one praying, but I feel uncomfortable praying in front of him because not only is he a brother, but he is also more spiritual than me and he is intelligent. Tonight he said why don't we say a prayer and each of us can give thanks for a couple things and then he'll end the prayer. So we agreed, me hesitantly out of embarrassment. Tony started and ended the prayer but Amanda and I did a small in between thank you. It was different and mostly I worry that I will always pray for the same things each time and be repetitive. I thought this was the first time I ever prayed out loud in front of Tony since it was always "wrong" to do that, so I thought. But I was thinking back to a time when Tony was going through a really rough time about 5 years back and I was so desperate for help that I was going to pray over him out loud. I honestly can't remember if I did or not. I wonder if he remembers. Probably not. He doesn't remember anything. I think I remember thinking, or him telling me, that I have to have a head covering to do that. Then me thinking that it can't be that important for me to go find something in such a moment.

It was a very nice night, despite Mina's attitude. We also watched a house church video and a silly video of small commercial like skits about church and why it's stupid, called "The Church You Know". Pretty funny.

house church intro

2006-10-02T19:04:00.000-05:00

We have a house church in our home on Tuesday nights at about 6:30 in Wood River, IL, about 20 minutes northeast of St. Louis. Right now it is my daughter, husband, and sister-in-law. We have a small house but we would love to make this even better by having more people come over who would like to be up built in/with/by/for Jesus. We have dinner, along with passing/partaking (whatever you feel) of the bread and wine, then we move to the living room, just a couple steps away, and have worship. Worship includes singing along with acoustic guitar, shakers, a tambourine, and a djembe drum. After songs we talk about things we have on our minds or maybe that we've been thinking about through the week. We read scriptures and talk about whatever we're moved to say. We ask questions and discuss them although we may not have answers. Then we talk about anyone who may be going through a hard time and pray for them in our concluding prayer. This lasts until 9:00/9:30.

What's nice is that anyone is welcome. My hopes are that all who come will eventually become true Christians, who can truly follow in Jesus' footsteps, in love, in compassion, in righteousness, in forgiveness, in kindness, in truthfulness, in courage, in love for our Father, in persecution, and in death. I am out of religion because of many reasons, but one is that I find religion to be judgmental toward people who are not the ideal christian. My feelings are that if you show them Jesus, they will change for him, or they won't. Jesus befriended, healed, and was actively loving toward sinners, greedy persons, and fornicators. Shouldn't we be?

Everyone can talk, anyone can pray, or give their ideas on scriptures or offer up praise by speaking or singing or showing art or poetry or whatever else moves them. There is no one man that speaks and everyone else just listens. Everyones thoughts are equally needed, appreciated and important.

We are new to singing songs that other Christians have written. We, of course, know Amazing Grace, though it's a different version than the traditional one. My husband and I are probably going to try to write some new songs. We have one so far. And a few other songs. We're hoping to learn one new song a week, whether it's one we make or someone else's. We just bought a djembe and tambourine. Those will be a nice addition to our music time.

So it's really great. We just need some more people to make it a nice, warm family, united under Christ.

I am able to....

2006-09-30T01:55:00.000-05:00

You know what feels good? True worship. Talking about what's on your mind without having to worry about getting called into the "back room". Answering to my Father and not to men. Helping people without having to ask elders first. Singing Amazing Grace and other praises that may or may not have ever been sang in a church. Asking questions and not getting a flustered "answer" or a "well the Watchtower says" answer. Talking to other people about God, Jesus, their kingdom and other such things along with my husband, openly telling others how we feel, whether we agree completely with each other (my husband and I) or not, and not having to hold back anything for fear of being labeled as an apostate. Being able to ask that my prayers be answered through Jesus, as in "Please let this be done through Jesus", as in "all authority has been given to Jesus" including actively answering prayers, kind of. Being able to tell people when they ask "What faith/religion/denomination are you?" that I am a christian, a follower of Jesus Christ(ian), and leaving religion out of it. Putting Jesus in the position that he rightfully belongs in because he died for us, and not being afraid to talk about him like the King he is. Being in unity with Jesus and partaking of his pain and glory because I am God's child (Galatians 3:26 and Ephesians 4:1-6). Always thinking about and trying (many times failing) to live as if Jesus is in my body and I am just a shell he's using to show people who he is thus leading them to God. Seeing my daughter grow in understanding, hearing her tell me about personal choices she makes because of her own conscience toward God, helping her without instilling fear of death(at armageddon) in her if she doesn't do what I think is right. Having a husband who has changed so much (an answered prayer, praise Jah) in the past two years and being so happy to let him take the lead, all the while not feeling at all less than him. Being a part of the headship arrangement and happy to be a woman, at the same time being able to pray and prophesy openly, in front of men if I choose to and knowing that my speaking and prayers are acceptable to God all the more so because I am submissive to His kingdom arrangement (1 Corinthians 11:1-16). Learning and (sometimes) unlearning truths and "truths". Being submissive enough and faithful enough to look into doctrines to find out if they are correct or not and not fearing that I might start believing something contrary to what I have always believed, but instead trusting in God that he will show me the truth (Jesus), and that that (Jesus) is the only real "doctrine" we need. Praise Jah.

You know what feels bad? Not being in complete unity, or as complete as you can get in this wicked world, with Jesus. Failing sometimes at letting Jesus live through me. Not taking enough time to pray and meditate. Letting anger, pride, fear, embarrassment, shyness and laziness get in the way. Being in my religion still, however inactive. Not knowing what Jehovah wants from me. Breaking my family's heart. Not being free from this organization/corporation/business of a religion (is there any other type of religon?). Feeling like Jehovah wants me to make a decison even though I don't feel confident either way, and me thinking what if I make the wrong decision. ( What if I leave for selfish reasons because I don't like the organization or because I don't like service or meetings or elders or certain people or because I feel uncomfortable without Tony there with me. What if I stay because I want to keep my family or because I want to stay in touch with a certain few people or because I worry that I'm going to leave and then find out later that I jumped the gun and chose to leave and maybe Jehovah wanted me to stay to do something, but he isn't telling me what to do either way, so I don't know and choose to leave because I hate the religion and then end up being wrong and then Jehovah is let down and my family had to suffer for no reason*?) Not feeling any direction because I'm stuck and until a decision is made by me I will continue to be without direction. Not feeling that 'holy spirit high' (so full of holy spirit you could just explode and it would pour out of you forever) that I felt for a few months last year from March to July. Not knowing why I was allowed a taste of it then, when I was less spiritual, but now that I am doing more for God I don't have it. Feeling that I may have turned down an invitation or calling last year that resulted in the lack of holy spirit, and not knowing what to do to make it right with my Father and with Jesus.

My good list is longer that my bad list. I'm thankful for that.

*Though I feel that this will not be the case because I'm pretty sure that I shouldn't be in the religion so I sincerely doubt that if I leave that it would be a mistake. I think it is probably the right thing to do, to leave, and that if I do, that I will not be told by God to go back. And if He did tell me to go back, it wouldn't be because it's the only true religion, but because He needed me to do something there.

living in darkness

2006-06-04T01:46:00.000-05:00

I am an evildoer. I had a dream a short while ago. I was reading the bible and I couldn't read it right. It was Acts. I kept turning the bible around thinking that it was upside down. But I could never see it right. It said Acts up at the top corner, in kind of big letters. Even though I couldn't read it, I knew it was Acts 13:11 and/or Acts 11:13 that I was supposed to be reading. Maybe I couldn't tell which because it kept being upside down. The funny thing is, when I look up both of those scriptures, they are on the same page, well the same two pages. So the dream was pretty accurate. Also, obviously, me not being able to see the bible and having to keep turning it around, is also pretty accurate. I am at a point right now where I am not understanding anything. I feel like I don't have God's spirit. Not really anyway. So I looked up Acts 13:11. It says: "Now the hand of the Lord is against you. You are going to be blind, and for a time you will be unable to see the light of the sun." I suggest that you read the previous verses. Acts 11:13 says: "He told us how he had seen an angel appear in his house and say, 'Send to Joppa for Simon who is called Peter". I feel like, in my dream, Acts 13:11 was the prominent scripture. So I looked it up first. I'm not going to say that the other one isn't significant, but I don't see where it fits yet. But the first one fits, because I certainly do feel blind. Like Jehovah isn't letting me see, because of something I'm doing or not doing. So I have prayed about it many times and I am very sad and depressed because I'm not sure about many things.

Tonight I was reading 1 John. In chapter 2, verses 9-11 it says: 9Anyone who claims to be in the light but hates his brother is still in the darkness. 10Whoever loves his brother lives in the light, and there is nothing in him to make him stumble. 11But whoever hates his brother is in the darkness and walks around in the darkness; he does not know where he is going, because the darkness has blinded him.

Now, I wasn't reading this to look for something to match my dream. I just wanted to read the bible and decided 1 John looked good and upbuilding tonight. When I read it, I immediately felt guilt and I cried. I have hatred for my brother. By brother I mean those who believe in Jesus. I have love too, but the hate is there and is more prominent. In my two previous posts, I have written about a certain brother who has given us trouble. He has indeed lied to me and will not let me get to the bottom of it. Although he knows that it is upsetting me, and he is the presiding overseer of our congregation, he has done nothing to help me. He hasn't spoken to me and I can confidently say that he is avoiding me. This is biblically wrong, especially considering his position. I am not happy about this. I have said that when the elders come talk to me that I will not talk until this is resolved. I have thought it out in my head of how I will handle it when they try to talk with me. I would have righteous indignation. I would raise my voice and tell them that he is wrong and I will have no dealings with any of them because I can't trust him. I would be stubborn and prideful. I would show them.

But, when I read this scripture in 1 John, it hit me that I hate my brother. Maybe not in a mean way, because I do want him to tell the truth and apologize to me. I do want him to have a relationship with Jehovah that isn't hindered. I do love him. But the hatred is there. And it's in the way of the love. It's holding me back and making me blind. I said in an earlier post that I need to have mercy. I am not merciful. I am holding a grudge. And it is making me blind. Jehovah isn't letting me come to him unhindered. This hatred is in my way of a pure relationship with Jehovah. I am saying that about my presiding overseer, and it completely applies to my relationship with Jehovah. I am a hypocrite. Well, I was. Now I see. At least in this one area I am not blind. I need to let this go. Either by talking to this guy about it or by forgetting about it.

Acts 13:11 says the lord's hand will be on you and you will be blind for a time and unable to see the light of the sun. 1 John says whoever hates his brother is in the darkness. He does not know where he is going because the darkness has blinded him.

I am blind. I don't have a clue what to do with my spiritual life. Jehovah isn't letting me see, because of my own evil hatred. Maybe this is why. Maybe this is what is blinding me. My hatred is making me walk in darkness. No wonder I feel so lost.

I have to fix this. I have to push out my evil thoughts. This isn't to say it erases anything. If they do speak with me, I probably will bring it up because it needs to be addressed. He needs to know that this is wrong and he needs to ask for forgiveness from Jehovah and me. But it will not be what decides on whether I talk with them or not. I will just bring it up and put it on the table. I will ask him again and give him the opportunity to tell the truth. Even if the truth isn't what I expected. And he can deny it if he wants to, which will hurt my feelings. I realize that maybe I'm a little off here. Maybe he isn't the one who leaked confidential information. Maybe it was someone else. But he was very secretive and evasive, as if he was hiding something. He knows more than he's saying. So I truly hope the truth will come out and then I will be ok. I don't care if it was him or not. I just want the truth. And he knows what the truth is. But whatever happens, it has to be over. I will feel it out and speak accordingly. I will either say thank you, or I will tell him it is up to him to make things right. And I will ask Jehovah to forgive him anyway. I have to and it has to be real. I can't pretend it's completely out of love, when half of it is out of anger. I need to be honest.

Sometimes you can hear something over and over and never really hear it. But, well a song says it best. It goes: Could read it ten times and never get it. But then the sun shines so bright I'll never forget it.

I don't want to forget this.

2006-03-06T23:41:00.000-06:00

15 “Moreover, if your brother commits a sin, go lay bare his fault between you and him alone. If he listens to you, you have gained your brother. 16 But if he does not listen, take along with you one or two more, in order that at the mouth of two or three witnesses every matter may be established. 17 If he does not listen to them, speak to the congregation. If he does not listen even to the congregation, let him be to you just as a man of the nations and as a tax collector."

I have tried this and have been shut down so now I know how to treat you. I am trying to get to the bottom of this. How can I do that if you block me in every direction? If you just admit the truth to me I can forgive you and we can move on and you can pray freely and have your prayers better listened to. Until then do you think God will hear your prayers? I will ask him to forgive you even if you don't ask him. And I will be straight with you. I need forgiveness too. I have anger and resentment toward you. I need to have love and mercy. See how easy that is to admit the truth. When we admit our weaknesses, even if it embarrasses us, it makes us stronger because Jehovah is with us. Our Father (Isa 64:8, Ps 89:26, Mt 23:9) will be happy with you for being honest. Lying is never okay, even in the name of God, even if you think it's protecting someone. You could've just said "I can't answer that." But you didn't say that. I ask for you to tell me the truth and give yourself a chance with Jehovah. I ask for you to remember what it means to serve Jehovah "with spirit and truth." If you don't do that do you really think you have a chance? Do it for Jehovah. And if that isn't enough to move you to do it, then I guess you can do it for yourself if that's what really motivates you.

To the ones who are judging

2006-03-01T16:46:00.000-06:00

I created this blog because there are some people who want to try to find dirt on me and other people. I know, I know. Why would anyone want to do that, you may ask? Because they like to find bad things about people so they can feel important. Then they can try to act as though they are doing it in the name of Jehovah. But they aren't. This is a wicked thing, trying to find badness in your brother. Where is your love? You know who you are. You are not important. You are a slave, the same as me. Do you think Jehovah will love you for this? Do you think this is what storing up treasures in heaven means? By trying to find fault with your brothers? Is that biblical? It seems that since we have been trying so hard to show love, that is when you started to be suspicious. But we know the real reason. You know that ever since you found out about that one thing, that is when this started. It is not your place to jugde. You don't get to decide if it's true. Jehovah uses who he uses. Let it alone so that you do not get jugded unrighteous because of your wickedness against your brother. We are not sinning. We are not causing problems in the congregation. We are doing what we are told to do by Jehovah. And you can do nothing but look for the bad. I pray for you to be forgiven because you will need it. Please, leave us alone and let us continue showing love here. You know we need love. Our hall is lacking big time. Gossip, slander, cliques, mistreatment of family members, name-calling, backbiting. Of course we have a lot of good too. And we just want to build on that. We are just trying to make Jehovah happy. You should want that too. AndI know you do. You worry that the congregation will be shocked. Is that embarrassing to you? Who cares. Let it alone. Some didn't believe that Jesus was God's Son. They said Jesus expelled demons by Satan's power instead of Jehovah's. They accused him, beat him, and had him murdered. It was not their place to judge. They sinned against the spirit, the unforgivable sin, by not believing that it was Jehovah's spirit that Jesus had. We don't have the right to question Jehovah. He chooses who he chooses. If it's not true you will not have to pay for it. We are judged individually. You will not be judged if we make a mistake. And do I really have to mention that this is not a sin. So really there is nothing to do. We love you all and only want to encourage all of you in these terrible times. It is the whole point. Please pray about this and ask for holy spirit and love.